I stood before the assembled Human ding-dongs, all of them. The Campers leftover from Harrigan's run. They were eating breakfast, which they seemed to love. Sean was doing pretty well there, feeding everyone in vast quantities.

The guys didn't mind feeding Humans, but they didn't like using the Human tents. They always set the food up on the beach, surrounded by huge black stones and gray ruins of whoever had been on Harrigan's island before.

The Radio was planted in a pillar. "Owen was on the air."

My voice boomed out over the gathering. "I need volunteers, and you need to not be bored. How many of you can avoid being idiots for at least five hours at a time?"

The Humans, young men and women, turned to face me. They didn't look terribly open to my question.

"Let me try again," I said. "You're useless."

Frowns.

Schmendrick charged up the beach with her two babies running alongside. The crowd sighed; Schmendrick was already well-liked by Humans; she was a kind of talking murder Pokemon. But her babies? Those two frighteningly big-eyed balls of fluff and adorability?

I'd seen videos of people on youtube screaming at the Beatles. It wasn't quite like that; nobody wanted to scare Phobos and Deimos away, or make Schmendrick mad. But the crowd buzzed, cheered carefully. Smiles broke out in viral blooms.

"Me instead," Schmendrick said, glaring up into my face.

I raised my hands and backed away. "Radio, Schmendrick has an announcement."

"Human people!" Schmendrick began. "I speak to you as a fellow being with a soul, a fellow Fool. I require assistance with my Monster School that will teach you how to be a monster. Like me."

Unlawfully taken from Royal Road, this story should be reported if seen on Amazon.

They were listening to her. Mostly they were watching her babies, of course, but it seemed like the words were seeping in. Glances were exchanged, eyebrows were raised.

"Now I will kill Owen, who is rude to you and horrible," she said, and ran at me.

"Wait a minute," I said, and put up my defenses, the ones she'd taught me how to use. Chunks of my soul formed into hands, shields.

Her attacks struck, but I blocked them. Flares of scarlet light, blue, gold, blazed on the beach. They weren't meant to hurt, of course. She wanted them to look cool.

"I'm unable to kill Owen," she said to the crowd, which said awwwww. "This is because he has studied with me, and I have taught him to not die as quickly as he otherwise would. Say thank you, Owen."

"Thank you, Schmendrick. You're cool and smart."

"Owen has already gained in wisdom because he thinks I'm cool and smart. He has been to Schmendrick's Monster School. However, he must still die!" And, speaking Cazador, she commanded her babies to attack me.

I ran slowly around the beach. The twins pursued me, barking, faking me out, running around my feet. The assembled Humans gasped in delight. I fell very carefully, and both twins jumped up and down on my chest, howling to the sky in triumph. I stretched a trembling hand upward, then collapsed dramatically to the sand.

The twins flinched at the deafening cheer from the crowd, ran back to their mother. She consoled them and turned back to the spectators. "All of us wish to kill Owen, is that not true?"

They cheered again. Quietly.

"I seek to teach," she said. "You can kill him as easily as this."

Just about everyone there expressed interest in Schmendrick's Fight-Like-A-Monster School. She ended up having to enlist other Cazadores as teachers. I offered to help teach, but she turned me down.

She did, however, use me as a test dummy. Over the next few days the Humans started picking up skills, using their new souls to attack and defend. I would, occasionally, get beaten up. It was pretty good.

Okay. This was solid. What else?

I approached Art Deco, the Maker I spoke to the most. I even got Gary involved. Both of them, to my surprise, wanted to teach Humans how to not be useless.

Okay. Okay.

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