"I don't want you running off for some dumb alien machine," Mandy said crossly. "Wait till I'm done cooking, then we can both go."

"Okay."

"Too easy! Are you just saying that so I'll get off your case, then you'll go anyway?"

"Absolutely."

"What do you need it for anyway?" she demanded. "Like you don't have enough to do."

"The Radio and I were talking it over. The Ari Maspai had factions that wanted to return to their home slice. Home world, whatever. They built things that would allow entire cities to go through. Huge things could make the trip, not just this nonsense with Harrigan's pipe, which basically allows a sheet of printer paper to get here and that's it."

"Oh my god," She said. "I'm going over your head on this. Radio, let me talk to Schmendrick!"

"The mighty Undine, a vision of beauty floating naked in her tank, was now speaking with Schmendrick de los Cazadores."

Her nonhuman voice buzzed through the Radio. "I am Schmendrick."

"Owen's going to go somewhere and die," Mandy said. "Stop him."

"Owen is assisting me with Monster School. He's taking my students on a hunt where they will be able to stalk and kill." She paused, then clarified: "I am Schmendrick."

Mandy sounded suspicious. "Is that true, Owen?"

"Apparently," I said. "Sounds like a good idea, let's do it."

Here the Radio narrated: "Owen Walsh shrugged his broad shoulders, his classically chiseled face expressing confusion."

"Classically chiseled," Mandy said.

"Said the luscious Mandy, floating like an appealingly chubby mermaid–"

"Radio," I said.

"--A NAKED mermaid," the Radio went on.

"Owen, explain these words. I am Schmendrick."

"I don't know if I can."

The Radio: "…He replied to his friend Schmendrick. Owen ran his large, graceful hands through his shining hair. His troubled brow creased in deep thought."

"Please stop that," Mandy said, but I could hear the amusement in her voice.

"Graceful hands?" I looked. They were dinged up and callused.

"Schmendrick, you'll go with him?"

"Asked the adorable, nude Mandy–"

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"I need to keep my students from killing Owen, and also to train them for when things try to kill them for real. I am Schmendrick."

"I'm glad you're on this call with us, Sweetie, but you don't have to keep telling us who you are if you don't want to. Anyway Mandy: I'm building a thing. I need something from the Ari Maspai, they left it behind and I need it."

"Owen's gleaming muscles coiled like panthers beneath his caramel skin, rippling like waves in a sea of testosterone as he rose to full height. With a shadowy glare, he menaced his good friend the Green Radio who was only trying to move things along."

"Please stop," I said.

"Panthers under your skin," said Mandy. "Does that hurt?"

"Asked the gorgeous Mandy Nakahara, her shining body jiggling gently–"

"I want to leave this call. I am Schmendrick."

The Feast of Fools Navy had expanded by two captured Human vessels, giving us a fleet of three total. We were taking one of the new ones, which Schmendrick had christened The Fury of Schmendrick.

It wasn't huge; it could hold maybe twenty people comfortably. The manual we'd found in the hold described it as as an RHIB, or Rigid Hulled Inflatable Boat. It was a big balloonish raft with a fiberglass hull.

Schmendrick drove like a maniac. The new Maker engines were roaring at their top speed, which was probably more than the Human-built boat was designed to handle. The Fury of Schmendrick would go so fast that hitting a small wave would send it flying uncontrollably into the air to thump loudly back down with a splash. Schmendrick yowled and shouted in exhilaration while the rest of us held on or fought nausea.

"I love this boat!" She screamed. "Thank you for stealing this boat for me Owen I love you so much!" She cranked down the throttle, which, like the steering wheel, had been modified for her little Cazador hands. The engines fell silent instantly, but the boat kept charging forward for a bit. Everyone else aboard looked relieved.

The island destination was nearby; it resembled a leafy green cupcake. The sides of it were stony gray cliffs, the top a thick, vibrant jungle. There were buildings up there, intricate shining minarets poking from the trees. They gleamed with gemstones that formed ornate rainbow mosaics, designs I couldn't see from here, and probably couldn't understand with my two-volt Human brain.

But it sure looked cool, this place. Deluxe ancient ruins.

There was one standout among the shining structures: a single black pole rising from foliage. On the top was a square red box, and on the side of it was a white circle filled with a stylized letter K.

"Just like you said," I told the Radio. "The other site Harrigan mentioned. Why would they send a Circle K here?"

"Owen was, as usual, asking for his dear friend the Green Radio to read the minds of his foes, which–"

"--You can't do, got it. Is anyone there, anyone you can detect?"

No Human activity here, the Radio assured me. No sloppy Stealth, no buildings. No traps or mines of Human origin. Just a convenience store that had been sent to another world.

We had to find out more about it. And I needed to steal some alien technology, and Schmendrick wanted her Human students to get some time in the field. All of this on one trip.

We disembarked, clambering down the rope ladder to the shallows. Schmendrick called to me from the Captain's chair. "Owen you need to do it," She said. "It's good for you to be around them."

Oh god dammit. I whispered into the fragment of Radio on my neck: "No, don't do this to me."

"Yes!" She shouted, ignoring my attempts to be discreet. The other Humans were looking at me curiously. Schmendrick kept yelling down to all of us. "Owen you need to gain wisdom! Monster Students!"

They all shouted "YES MA'AM!" in a chorus, startling me.

"Owen will be here helping you on this! All of you will learn from today! Don't get killed and everything will be fine!"

No no no. I shouted up at her: "Schmendrick, I really think–"

But she gunned the engine, drowning me out. The Fury of Schmendrick leaped away into the sea and began doing donuts. I heard her screaming joyously over the engines. She disappeared around the cliff.

I turned to face my charges. Humans. Wonderful.

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