The team stared at their new, tiny, sparkling manager. The silence in the main lobby was thick with a mixture of shock, confusion, and, in Pip's case, a healthy amount of fear.

​Gilda was the first to recover from the shock. She took a half-step forward, her hand still resting cautiously on the handle of her axe. She looked from the tiny fairy to my core, then back to the fairy. "So... you're the 'consultant'?" she asked, her voice skeptical.

​"Chief Operations Officer," FaeLina corrected her crisply, puffing out her chest. "And your new tournament strategist. Now, if there are no further questions about my qualifications," she said, completely ignoring the dozen or so questions that were clearly on everyone's faces, "let's get to work."

What followed was the most bizarre and chaotic strategy session in the history of dungeoneering. FaeLina was a whirlwind of energy, zipping back and forth in front of the chalkboard, outlining her plans with a series of frantic, squeaky chalk marks that were surprisingly neat and organized.

"Okay, team!" she began, her voice full of a newfound authority. "The main tournament is a group stage. The DLRB has sent the official groupings." She tapped a section of the board. "We've been placed in 'Group C,' along with three other dungeons. First, the 'Gloomfang Caverns.' Second, the 'Whispering Library.' And third..." she paused, her expression turning sour, "...'Frank's All-You-Can-Eat Goblin Buffet and Backrub Emporium'."

Pip raised a trembling hand. "Excuse me, Chief... uh... Officer? What was that last one?"

"A terrible, shameless, and frankly insulting attempt to copy our brand," FaeLina sniffed with disdain. "Oh, we will crush them. Their backrubs are probably terrible, and I bet their goblins don't even get dental. But that's for later. Now, our first match is tomorrow, and it's against the Gloomfang Caverns."

She drew a crude, angry-looking spider on the board. "I've done the research. It's a classic poison-themed dungeon. Lots of venomous spiders, acid traps, a general atmosphere of damp, smelly misery, and terrible reviews on the ScryNet for its lack of proper ventilation."

She turned to the group, a manic, strategic glint in her eyes. "So, how do we beat a poison dungeon?"

Gilda grunted, the answer obvious to her. "Anti-venom potions. And a big axe."

"Wrong!" FaeLina declared, pointing her tiny piece of chalk at the warrior. "That's what they're expecting! We are not going to fight their poison with medicine. We are going to fight their poison... with superior customer service!"

​The team just stared at her, completely lost. Even Zazu looked confused, which was a rare sight.

"The Gloomfang Caverns are designed to be a miserable experience," she explained, her voice buzzing with a devious energy. "Their goal is to slowly drain the Challengers' health and make them feel terrible. Our goal, therefore, is to provide an experience so luxurious, so distracting, and so overwhelmingly pleasant that the adventurers literally won't have time to notice they're being poisoned! It's a battle of amenities!"

She began to lay out her insane, brilliant plan.

The tournament event was a "Resource Endurance" trial. The winner was the dungeon that left the adventurers in the best condition at the end.

"So," FaeLina concluded, a triumphant look on her face, "while the Gloomfang Caverns are slowly poisoning them, we will be offering them a full, five-star, all-inclusive VIP spa package! We will distract them with snacks! We will pamper them with warm towels! We will counteract the poison damage with an overwhelming amount of positive status effects! We will win on sheer, unadulterated comfort."

The team exchanged confused looks. A poison dungeon versus... a spa day? It made absolutely no sense. But then, Gilda, their practical and stoic leader, broke the silence.

She looked from the frantic, tiny fairy to her own giant axe, then back to the fairy. A slow, disbelieving grin spread across her face.

​"So," she said, her voice full of amusement. "We're going to pamper them into submission?"

The team looked at each other, and a shared understanding seemed to pass between them.They had won their last two events with a nap and a sock. This was just the next logical step in their dungeon's weird journey.

​"Alright," Gilda said with a shrug. "I'm in."

​One by one, the others began to nod. FaeLina, seeing she had won them over, clapped her tiny hands together. "Excellent! Now, to your assignments!"

FaeLina then began to assign tasks, and it was clear she had been studying her new team's unique and very strange skill sets.

​"Zazu," she commanded, pointing at the elf. "You're on beverage duty. I want your strongest, most soul-soothing 'Nightcap' tea ready for the Challengers the moment they arrive. We need to counteract their stress immediately."

​"Pip, Clank," she continued, "you two are on ambiance. I want the softest, most gentle lullaby Clank can play, and Pip, I need you to use your... unique perspective on fear to make sure there are absolutely no scary shadows or unsettling quiet spots anywhere in the room. I want it to be aggressively non-threatening."

​"Kaelen," she said, her voice a bit softer as she addressed the former assassin. "You are on... towel duty. I need them warmed. Perfectly. Not too hot, not too cold. I need the temperature to be so perfect it makes a grown warrior weep with joy. I trust your precision."

​Kaelen just gave a single, sharp nod, accepting her strange new mission with the seriousness of a royal contract.

​Finally, FaeLina turned to Gilda and Sir Crumplebuns. "You two are our 'Comfort Specialists.' Your job is to ensure the adventurers are physically comfortable at all times. Fluff their pillows. Offer them footrests. If they look even slightly chilly, you will offer them a blanket. Whatever it takes."

​Sir Crumplebuns saluted with his Spoonblade. "THEY SHALL BE THE MOST COMFORTABLE CHAMPIONS IN THE HISTORY OF BATTLE!"

​The plan was set. It was ridiculous. It was absurd. It was, without a doubt, the coziest battle plan ever devised. And as the team began to prepare, a new sense of unity, of shared purpose, filled my dungeon. They weren't just my residents anymore.

​They were FaeLina's army of aggressive niceness.

​But, just as the meeting was about to break up, Pip, who had been looking more and more nervous throughout the entire presentation, raised a trembling hand.

​"Excuse me, Chief FaeLina?" he asked, his voice a small, worried squeak.

​"Yes, Pip? What is it?" FaeLina replied, looking very pleased with her own brilliant strategy.

​"Your plan to make the Challengers feel better after they get poisoned is great," Pip said, fiddling with one of Clank's metal fingers.

"But... what if our turn comes first?"

​The entire room fell silent. FaeLina's triumphant expression froze on her face.

_____

Author's Note:

FaeLina has officially taken over! Her first act as manager? To declare war on a poison dungeon with the power of superior customer service. I love her so much.

​Kaelen's new official title is 'Head of Towel Warming,' and she is taking it very seriously. Every member of this team has a very important, very strange job to do.

​But our boy Pip, the quiet voice of reason, just found a giant hole in her master plan. How will our new manager handle her very first crisis in front of her new team? We'll find out next time! Thanks for reading!

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