[Volume 2 | Chapter 66: The Babysitter (II)]

The morning sun chucked long shadows across Windsor East Training Grounds as Acacia trudged alongside his newly appointed warden. He put on his typical gray tracksuit while Noelle wore something exceedingly more colorful. Her teal tracksuit with yellow accents made her look like a tropical bird that had wandered into the wrong climate zone.

"—and those eggs were just amazing! I can't believe you made them so fluffy! What's your secret? Is it the amount of whisking? My mom always says it's all in the wrist action when you're whisking, but whenever I try, I end up splashing egg everywhere, and then the cat gets involved, which is a whole other disaster—"

Acacia checked his watch: 7:22 AM.

They were late. 22 minutes late, to be precise, because Noelle had first forgotten her "essential training equipment" (a tote bag full of what appeared to be colorful water bottles, towels, and a Leila Trafalgar number of hair ties), then had disappeared into the bathroom for a full ten minutes.

"...Were you applying makeup?"

"What? No! Well, maybe just a little tinted moisturizer, but that's for sun protection, which is very important during outdoor training!" she'd replied, not even having the decency to look embarrassed.

Now she was still talking about breakfast, patting her stomach dramatically.

"I'm so stuffed! Those three servings really hit the spot! I always say breakfast is the most important meal of the day, especially before training. My metabolism just burns through everything so quickly!"

Acacia cast a sideways glance at her slender frame. How was that possible? Three full servings of eggs, plus toast, plus the orange juice she'd practically inhaled... where did she put it all? If he ate like that, he'd be round as a barrel within a month. Perhaps this was her usual behavior, which would explain how she remained so thin despite apparently eating like a starving wolf.

"Heyyy Acacia... are you even listening to me?"

"Something about metabolism," he muttered, quickly scanning the training grounds. They were mercifully empty. Most sane people weren't up torturing themselves at this hour.

"Right! As I was saying, ever since I started serious training for the Inquisitor exams, I've had to basically double my caloric intake. It's actually a common misconception that eating less helps with fitness—for proper muscle development, you need adequate nutrition to—"

"Can we just get started?" Acacia interrupted as sweat began to form at his temples. The summer heat was starting early today.

"Oh! Yes, of course!" Noelle beamed, seemingly incapable of taking a hint at his perpetual rudeness. She dropped her enormous tote bag and clapped her hands together. "Let's start with some light stretching to warm up those muscles!"

She began to unzip her tracksuit jacket, and Acacia instinctively averted his eyes.

"WAIT! WAIT! I'M NOT READY! I'M ONLY FIFTEEN!"

"Um... what?"

Acacia peeked back to see Noelle staring at him with her jacket hanging loosely from one shoulder to potentially reveal a perfectly modest tank top beneath.

"I'm just taking off my jacket because it's getting warm. What did you think I was doing?"

"Never mind," he mumbled, his own face heating up in embarrassment.

Noelle's laughter echoed across the field, loud and unabashed.

"Acaaciaaa, you're a riot! You're so fun to tease!"

"Whatever," Acacia grumbled. It wasn't his fault that the women of Windsor seemed to have zero sense of propriety when it came to shamelessness, compared to Ocarina.

Noelle swiftly took off her tracksuit and tied it to her waist, standing there in a simple black tank top. A tank top that revealed arms that could only be described as sculpted. Defined shoulders, biceps with visible definition, and forearms that looked like they could crack walnuts. Her physique wasn't bulky, but the lean muscle was unmistakable.

How many years had it taken her to achieve that kind of physique?

Oh, and she was taller than him. By like two inches.

This bubbly, chattering, seemingly scatterbrained woman could probably bench press him without breaking a sweat.

"Let's start with basic stretches!" Noelle announced, dropping into a perfect split that made Acacia's own muscles scream sympathetically.

"...Basic...?" he weakly asked, staring at her demonstration of flexibility that he didn't possess even as a child.

"Just do what I do!" She transitioned seamlessly into a side bend that was literally defying the laws of physics as her torso formed a graceful arc while her legs remained perfectly straight. "This opens up your lateral muscles and improves oxygen flow to your intercostal tissues!"

"...AH! Oh my god! My body's tearing apart!"

Acacia attempted to mimic her position and managed something that looked more like a wounded tree about to topple. His body was still aching from Pandora's brutal regimen from yesterday, and this... this was pure agony.

"Hold that stretch! Inhale, exhale... feel the burn!"

"Is the... burn supposed to... feel like being ripped apart... by buzzards?!"

"Good effort!" Noelle encouraged, either not noticing or kindly ignoring the fact that he looked like he was being electrocuted rather than stretching. "Now, let's try some hamstring stretches!"

She folded forward, pressing her forehead against her knees with her palms flat on the ground.

Acacia's attempt ended with him barely touching his shins.

"Feeelll the buurrrn!"

"I 'feeeeelll' something alright... possibly my soul leaving my body!"

For the next fifteen minutes, Noelle demonstrated stretches better suited to a professional ballet company than a training session. She bent and twisted her body in ways that made Acacia wonder if she perhaps had additional joints that normal humans lacked. Meanwhile, he struggled to touch his toes without whimpering.

"Wonderful warm-up! Now for your morning lap!"

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"Morning lap," Acacia repeated as he reexperienced the hell that was yesterday in his mind.

Pandora's definition of a "lap" was three miles around the perimeter of the training grounds. His legs were already trembling from the stretches alone.

"I'll run with you for encouragement!"

Noelle beamed, completely missing or ignoring his look of abject dread.

"Ready? Go!"

Without even using prana, she took off at speeds that he could have sworn were approaching the speed of sound.

Acacia followed with a baby deer's coordination and an elderly snail's speed.

Within two minutes, his lungs were on fire. By five minutes, his vision had developed concerning dark spots around the edges. At the ten-minute mark, he was making sounds that wouldn't be out of place in a documentary about dying marine mammals.

Meanwhile, Noelle was running beside him.

"You're doing great! Feel the rhythm of your feet! Embrace the burn! Think about how good this is for your body!"

"What's the point of a good body... if I'm dead?" he gasped between ragged breaths.

"You'll get through this!"

Another ten minutes, another mile.

Sweat poured down Acacia's face in rivulets as his body fought valiantly to keep functioning despite his brain's best efforts to give up and lie down on the track forever. He had already accepted that his soul had escaped his body and moved to some higher-dimensional space where spirits go to watch mortals suffer.

This was, simply, rigor mortis.

When they (or rather, Noelle) had completed about half the distance, Acacia's body finally surrendered to the inevitable. His legs buckled beneath him, and he went down like a felled tree, sprawling ungracefully onto the track.

"Acacia! Are you okay?!" Noelle knelt beside him, her concern palpable as Acacia attempted to transform into a wheezing puddle of sweat.

"Water," he croaked, his throat burning as if he'd been gargling lava.

Noelle swiftly produced a water bottle from her bag.

"Here, drink this!"

Acacia snatched it from her and downed half of the bottle in one desperate gulp.

"AAGH???! Is this VINEGAR?"

He stared in horror at the remaining liquid in the bottle, which upon closer inspection, had a suspiciously tart, pungent odor. It also had the color of swamp water.

Noelle looked at him as if he were a crazy person.

"No! It's my special training drink recipe! Electrolytes are crucial for optimal hydration and performance!"

"And what, you thought boiling an electric eel would provide them?"

"Hey, don't knock it 'til you've tried it! It's a balanced blend of vitamins, minerals, and essential amino acids!"

"If this is science, I'm switching to the humanities."

"Come on, don't be a baby. You need that drink!"

"Then you drink it!"

"I can't! That's your bottle! Mine's over there!"

Acacia said something in another language and finally gulped down the vinegar-adjacent drink. It was the most disgusting thing he'd ever consumed, and that included the "mystery stew" served in Heinemann's cafeteria.

Well, he had to admit, he did feel somewhat better after... but at what cost?

Acacia rolled onto his back, staring up at the cloudless sky as he continued to wheeze and gasp for air. His heart was pounding so hard he could feel it in his eyeballs, and every muscle in his body seemed to be having individual seizures.

"How... did I... do?" he managed between ragged breaths.

Noelle opened her mouth, closed it, then opened it again, clearly struggling to find something positive to say about his performance.

So she sat down next to him and consulted a stopwatch.

"Let's see... you averaged a 10:37 mile pace... which is really not bad for someone just starting out!"

"You're saying... that's not... horrible? What pace... are you supposed to... go at?"

"Oh, a 7:00 or 7:30-minute-mile is considered an excellent pace for long-distance runs! This is without any Thaumaturgy usage, of course."

"I think... I might... actually die."

"Nonsense, you'll be fine!"

"No, seriously... my heart is trying to escape through my mouth."

"That's just lactic acid buildup! It'll subside soon, and then you'll feel refreshed and energized!"

"Be honest with me..."

Noelle looked away and pondered for a long time. "You, um... you have excellent... determination!" she finally offered, her smile strained at the edges. "And your... running form has... potential!"

Even through the oxygen deprivation clouding his brain, Acacia could translate the diplomatic response.

He did absolutely terrible. He collapsed at the same distance as yesterday, and only completed it five seconds quicker.

"I'm dying," he announced to the sky and sighed, spread-eagled on the track like a particularly pathetic starfish.

"You're not dying," Noelle assured him, though she did look slightly concerned as she checked his pulse. "Your heart rate is just... enthusiastic!"

"Is that the medical term for 'about to explode'?"

She laughed against the backdrop of his misery.

"Maybe we should modify the training schedule a bit. High Inquisitor Kircheisen did mention you were still building your baseline fitness."

"She told you I was pathetic, didn't she?"

"Of course not!" Noelle protested, then bit her lip. "She just said you might need... a gentler approach than what she usually employs."

"Translation: I'm a wimp who can't keep up."

"No translation needed! Everyone starts somewhere. Come on, let's get more drinks and try something else. Maybe some basic strength exercises?" She offered her hand to help him up.

Acacia eyed her muscular arms suspiciously.

"What's 'basic' to you? Lifting automobiles without any spells?"

She giggled at the "joke."

"Don't worry, I'll go easy on you. For today, at least."

Somehow, that didn't reassure him at all.

It did not reassure him at all. In fact, Acacia felt like he was going to die.

He was in the middle of what Noelle cheerfully called "strength circuits"—a series of exercises that seemed specifically designed to extract every last drop of energy and will to live from his body.

His current station was called the "burpee." An odd name for a truly torturous activity.

"You need to squat lower! Get your thighs parallel to the ground!" Noelle called, effortlessly performing a perfect burpee beside him as she monitored his form.

With a groan of both physical and mental distress, Acacia attempted to deepen his squat. His thighs screamed in protest, then went on strike completely.

"I'm done! My legs are dead!"

"Come on, just five more! You've got this!" Noelle clapped encouragement that felt like mocking to his ears.

"I don't got this! This is impossible!"

"No pain, no gain, right? Now squat lower!"

"ARGH! MY LEGS ARE CRACKING APART!"

"That's it, feel the burn!"

"I'm going to throw up, and I hope it gets on you!"

"Four more!"

"YOU'RE EVIL!"

"Three more!"

"IF I DIE, YOU'RE IN TROUBLE!"

"Two more!"

"WHY IS LIFE SO CRUEL?"

"Last one! You're almost there!"

"AAAAARGHH!"

Acacia collapsed face-down in the grass, limbs akimbo, sweat soaking into the ground beneath him as he wheezed like a deflating balloon.

"Excellent work! Those burpees looked great!"

"Are you blind?" he muttered into the earth, too drained to lift his head.

"Next, we'll move on to push-ups!"

"...No."

"No?"

"I mean yes, of course. No problem. I love push-ups. I'll do... one thousand of them, easy."

She smirked devilishly.

"You know, I was losing hope for a second there. I thought you were giving up. But I'm glad to see you're motivated and ready for more!"

"No, I was serious when I said no. Please kill me."

"Great! Get into position and begin!"

"Wait, stop pushing me—"

"Push-ups! Chin-ups! Planks! Lunges! Squats! Mountain climbers! Let's do them all!"

"NOOOO!!!"

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