Chapter 53: Chapter 53.

Chapter 53.

When he was 17 years old, almost 18, Shin Kim got into a car accident. It was a hit and run.

Jogging early in the morning was his habit. That day was especially foggy, but he didn’t think much about it. Shin realized his mistake much later. He regretted not being more careful.

It was a car he had never seen before. He couldn’t remember the license plate either. He fell facefirst into a puddle after he was hit and watched blankly as it turned red with his own blood.

Shin remembered a single stream of blood rolling down his cheek. It felt so strange. It was warmer than he expected, so Shin closed his eyes. At the time, he didn’t feel pain. He couldn’t breathe, so he scratched the ground with his fingernails. Every time he breathed, he felt his lung being stabbed.

When he opened his eyes, he saw his parents looking very pale.

Shin entered in and out of consciousness. Some days, he became awake enough to hear others talking around him. Things felt real and dreamlike at the same time. He wondered if this whole situation was just a big nightmare.

Where was he? What time was it? What date? Shin tried to open his eyes, but they refused to listen.

Then suddenly, he was able to see, even with his eyes closed. So many colors became visible to him. He had never experienced something like this before, so Shin thought that perhaps he was dreaming.

“Here he is.”

Shin heard someone announcing their arrival. He could also hear the curtains dancing nearby. And then… Shin saw the black hair. And the person with such pale face… As pale as the hospital curtain that was dead-white. That person was looking down at him.

After a long stare, the boy grabbed a chair and sat next to Shin’s bed. His face… Shin didn’t recognize him.

“…”

Shin’s breath was shallow. He couldn’t see the boy’s face clearly, so Shin tried to open his eyes wider. But then, the boy covered Shin’s eyes with his hand.

His hand was trembling.

The boy whispered, “I think I might die.”

Drop, drop.

Something fell onto Shin’s hand drop by drop. Instantly, Shin knew they were tears. The boy looked so cold and indifferent, yet his tears were burning hot.

Was he still dreaming?

The boy looked so faint and fragile that Shin thought he might disappear.

Shin asked, “Why are you crying?”

Shin pushed away his hand to look at the boy with wet eyes. The boy seemed to nod very subtly. Strangely, the boy’s face didn’t look clear to Shin, but he could still feel the boy’s eyes distinctively.

Shin asked, “Who are you?”

Well, he tried to ask, but no voice came out of his mouth. His lung was damaged badly and the doctor told him not to talk at all. Shin ended up mouthing the words, and the boy just stared.

Did he understand what Shin asked? Shin tried to move his hand, but the boy stopped him by holding it down.

“…”

Shin saw the boy’s eyes welling up with tears again. Soon, they rolled down his cheeks. The boy looked like he rarely cried. The tears continued to roll down, but the boy didn’t wipe them away. He just let them be.

The boy looked like he was filled with sadness. A lot of it seemed to be for Shin, but the boy also seemed to have innate sorrow inside of him. Then suddenly, Shin saw his wrists. Shin was still very confused, unable to form the words clearly, but he still was able to ask what he wanted.

“You are alive? You lived?”

The bandaged wrists. The boy’s eyes widened in surprise.

The boy’s eyes changed. He looked happy that Shin recognized him, but also still sad. Happiness surrounded by underlying grief. So many different colors…

When Shin tried to reach out to him again, the boy stopped him with his own hand. His hands still seemed to be trembling.

“Don’t try to talk.”

The boy’s fingers were long and pretty. His hand was unusually small, making his fingers look longer than they were. The boy seemed so thin that Shin felt bad about it. Shin tried to hold onto the boy’s hand because he suddenly felt the need to comfort the boy.

The boy looked down, his hands still shaking.

The boy whispered, “Don’t be in pain… Don’t be sick…”

“…”

“It’s all my fault.”

“…”

“I’m sorry, Shin.”

The boy cried but Shin still couldn’t understand the meaning of his tears. When Shin squeezed the boy’s hand, Shin could hear the boy’s heartbeat. The boy’s eyes widened as if he could also feel Shin’s heartbeat as well. And just like that, they were confirming… life. That they were both alive.

When Shin blinked, it was all over. He was again alone. It seemed like time had stopped again around him. He was living in between the strange dreams again.

***

Shin was driving with Woojin next to him. Shin smiled and said to him, “Your lip might bleed.”

They were on their way to go to dinner.

After lunch, Woojin texted Shin.

-I checked your message too late. Do you want to have dinner together instead?

Woojin didn’t ask Shin where he had been during lunch. Woojin didn’t believe he had the right to ask such questions. He was unsure and unconfident of his position in this relationship.

Woojin looked down, and noticing this, Shin lifted Woojin’s chin with his finger. Woojin’s skin seemed cold.

Shin said to him, “You have been looking down a lot lately.”

“…”

“Your lips are bleeding now. Turn towards me.”

Woojin’s heart sang loudly. Shin carefully dabbed Woojin’s dry lips and smiled like a child. Shin was looking at him with a pleasant smile, yet Woojin felt a strange tension.

Shin mumbled, “It must hurt.”

“…”

“You ok, Upperclassman… Jin?”

Suddenly, Woojin slapped Shin’s hand away. The light changed from red to green, so Shin began to drive again as if nothing happened. Shin’s heart, however, began to beat violently.

“W-what did you say?”

“What’s wrong, Upperclassman Woojin? Oh, does it sound awkward? Calling you that?”

“…”

“I just tried it. Maybe I should call you Hyung?”

Shin’s lips were smiling, but his eyes weren’t. Woojin began to panic, wondering if he heard Shin wrong.

Woojin couldn’t look at Shin anymore. He looked out the window and bit his lips again. His mouth was filled with the metallic taste again.

Shin said to him, “After dinner…”

“…”

“I have something I want to ask you.”

“…”

“Will you answer me? Tell me what I want to know?”

Bit and pieces of memories crashed down onto Woojin. His wrists fell like they were burning. He became breathless.

Woojin grabbed his left chest and began to pant. Shin frowned and parked the car on a nearby empty spot.

“Assistant Manager Woojin!”

“W-wait… Ahh…”

Shin awkwardly tried to cover Woojin’s mouth, but Woojin refused, “Not… that… Just… give me… a moment…”

Woojin reached out and hugged Shin’s neck. He buried his face onto Shin’s shoulder as he was shaking.

Shin said anxiously, “L-let’s go to the hospital, Woojin.”

“….”

Woojin’s face looked panicked. His eyes darkened and welled up. Woojin bit his lips and continued to bury his face into Shin’s shoulder. He panted breathlessly.

This was one of the milder panic attacks Woojin experienced, but he held onto Shin desperately. He wanted Shin to worry about him.

How selfish and horrible could he be?

With shaking hands, Woojin held Shin’s face. Woojin remembered the blood… All the blood… He remembered his bloody hands from the swimming pool.

Shin asked, “A-are you in pain?”

Hearing Shin’s voice helped. Woojin shook his head and took a slow deep breath. He wasn’t having a seizure, which was a good thing. But secretly, Woojin wanted it to turn into a seizure…. Because then… Maybe… Shin would care more about him.

“…”

Woojin didn’t answer. The one who was in pain was not him.

It was Shin.

Shin mumbled, “I’m sorry… I’m so sorry, Woojin.”

“…”

Woojin continued to breathe shakily. Why was he sorry? It was Woojin who ruined Shin, so why?

It was Woojin who destroyed Shin’s life…

Shin hugged Woojin tightly and murmured, “Please be ok. Don’t get sick.”

But… It was Woojin who caused Shin so much pain.

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