Dungeons & Deliveries - A Post Apocalypse Comedy Adventure [Book 1 Complete]

Book 1 - Chapter 15 - Taxes and Mr. Mystical


"Last detail, place of employment?" The fat Victorian robe-wearing manticore lawyer asked in the most bored voice Alex had ever heard. That was the last one? He had just spilled literally every personal fact about himself over the past twenty minutes, including that thing he did last summer with that sketchy marketing company. As someone who didn't share many things about himself, Alex felt emotionally mugged and ready to high tail it out of there.

The Merchant Guild had been a breeze by comparison. The monstrous line had been easy enough to bypass with a hundred Credit "expedition, skip the line," fee. Alex rubbed the little silver coin with his face on it in his pocket. It meant he was AY OK to trade legally and all loot sale transactions would be recorded. The Chit he was working on meant the transactions would be taxed.

God, I hate bureaucracy.

The real beast in Toronto was the Tax Guild. It was all Essence infused concrete, fleets of wooden desks where rows of private lawyers waited to squeeze you for their piece of the ten percent they garnered for Ontario. Were the matte black guards with rocket launchers and their frothing three-headed pitbulls with matching bowties necessary? Did anyone ever really try and screw the Tax Guild? Alex didn't think so. They worked for the Council after all.

People still loved bureaucracy in a post System world. Ontario's old representative democracy had dissolved after the first Dungeon Breaks, and like most places, Toronto had a Council. A rotating committee made up of the strongest and hopefully goodest people in the area. To everyone's shock, it kind of worked. The threat of twenty million people storming your fortress with some attack Skill tended to keep you mostly honest. Thank god Jim Carrey was on it in Ontario, though. His notorious [Mask] Skill routinely uncovered totally corrupt assholes. The Guilds handled the day-to-day grunt work, managing permits and disputes and registrations, and of course, taxes. Naturally, all the Guilds had been infiltrated by Corpos and Clans.

"Nino's Pizza," Alex answered.

The manticore choked mid-lozenge crunch. His paw spasmed, knocking over a steaming cup of lemon tea and cracking the recording Essence Pad in half. It fizzled and sparked like it had been offended.

"Repeat that, please," the manticore said, now heavy-breathing and leaning too close for Alex's comfort.

"Nino's Pizza. Pizza shop in Kensington. On...Wales Ave," Alex said. He was starting to get antsy in the sterile space. Plus, his shift was starting kind of soon.

The manticore glanced around quickly with narrowed eyes at the other lawyers. He leaned forward wheezing and flicked a claw. A very real [Bubble] Skill enclosed them in sound dampening and Alex's hackles were immediately raised.

"Off the record," the manticore said suddenly, much smoother as he slid over a similar red Chit with Alex's face on it. "If you ever, and I mean ever, find yourself needing representation, whether it be Corpo Law, Mediation, Monster Affairs, we at Manticore & Merfolk would be happy to help."

"Oh yeah. I've seen your ads. You're kind of like Gorgon & Gorgon, but like…cheaper, right?"

The manticore recoiled as if slapped as Alex snatched up his Tax Chit and immediately thought on how to get the hell out of there. "WE ARE NOT LIKE THEM. They're ambulance chasers. Personal injury? Please. We only do that to compete! And if you happen to mention us to your employer…well. You've twisted my arm, Alex." He smiled with all sharp teeth and waggled his extremely long eyebrows. "Free legal representation."

"But I don't need legal representation?"

"NOT YET YOU DON'T!" The manticore popped another lozenge and crunched it with far more energy, then forced a business card onto Alex that was all streamlined runes and looked more expensive than his rent. "Just call us if you need us. I, Rico of Manticore & Merfolk, will be happy to assist." Alex pocketed the Chit in the same pocket as Snu's underwear and the other Coin. He looked at the card for the moment then back at the manticore.

"Can I go now? I need to get to work. I'll give you a call if I need you. If I ever need to sue someone for casting a hex on me or…something."

The manticore stood, popped the [Bubble] and gave a paw waving bow. "It was a pleasure to serve you, Mister Alex of Nino's Pizza." He even walked Alex to the front of the Tax Guild, where the sterile concrete gave way to the chaos of the rest of the Eaton Center.

The Eaton Center was humming. Flying Familiars and low grade Monsters drifted through the open air above. Waterfalls misted down from the enchanted glass roof garden where plants bloomed in perpetual spring. Shoppers and Guild goers marched and gawked and were always in the worst position to slither by. A hawker shouted about chocolate imported from a Dubai Dungeon that was stuffed with Djinn powered fruit. Enchanted signs waved from the Familiar Guild, the Marriage Guild (now a legally binding Enchantment), the Hunter's Guild, and even the Rune Smiths. A flock of pixie couriers zipped and dragged a large mailbag. Alex hated large crowds and pushed through it all. There were trinket stands and news yellers everywhere.

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"You there! Fancy a palm reading? Full moon tonight, best to know one's fate before the creepy crawlies come out to play!" An extremely high pitched voice pushed through the hubbub into Alex's brain. He continued on and ignored the seller.

"Ah! Carries a curse and won't even stop to see Mr. Mystical! A shame!" The squeal continued. That stopped Alex in his tracks. How did this caller know of the cursed bracelet in his bag? You had to lay eyes on something to [Investigate] or [Appraise] it. Alex hated the full moon with a passion ever since his street days, but the bracelet call out was enough. Whoever was yelling for Alex was right. The full moon brought out the best but also the worst kinds of Skills and Curses. He looked around and searched for the voice, but couldn't see anyone.

"Down here! Mr. Mystical remains close to the Earth for his…special Skills. Down here, Alex!" He looked down and wasn't sure he looking at the right thing.

How the hell do they know my name?

In the center of the many stalls and hawkers was what looked like a tiny little Occult Psychic Shop. It looked like someone had placed a dollhouse sized occult storefront right in the middle of the Eaton Center. It even had a little sign that read: "MR. MYSTICAL - NOW WITH A REAL THIRD EYE!". There were tiny little vials filled with who knows what, minature beads and even a real working lava lamp. Alex spotted tiny skulls and lit candles and what looked like a pile of takeout containers that hadn't been taken out ever.

How does he eat...?

Inside the dollhouse sized shop was Mr. Mystical himself. Alex squinted and examined the…mouse. Mr. Mystical appeared to be a taxidermied mouse in a tiny velvet robe perched on a pile of tarot cards. He wore a red fez hat, which Alex thought was wholly unnecessary, and an actual third eye was in the middle of his forehead. The mouse's movements were jittery and puppetlike which had immediately given away the fact that Alex had been called out by a possessed Relic.

Oh no. A Ghost that's taken possession. These guys always know too much.

Mr. Mystical vibrated in a way that spun him in a circle. "Come in! Come in! Don't be shy!"

Alex crouched in front of the tiny shop in the middle of the mall like he was at kindergarten circle time. He kept his movements careful. No one messed with Ghosts. They'd haunt you forever if you didn't just give them what they wanted.

"Palm?" the mouse asked.

Alex presented his hand. Mr. Mystical jittered forward, forever frozen in his upright position, and somehow examined Alex's hand. His beady eyes didn't move but Alex knew the ghost inside was looking intently.

"Oh. Pity. Straight as an arrow. Shame. Shammme for one so pretty," the mouse crooned. "Hmmm…tied to a Lich? Interesting. And with a cursed Relic? There's a girl? Two girls? No no. She's just trying to kill you. Hmmm. Many scryers. Best be careful, boy. You've piqued the interest of many powerful people. Best be careful tonight on your deliveries."

Alex dry swallowed. That was why he hated ghosts. They knew everything somehow and spoke in weird ways.

He cleared his throat. "Is it Britanii trying to kill me?"

Mr. Mystical tilted as if considering. "Britanii? I don't know. Who knows? Not me. Well, I do, but I can't say. Or can I? If you come back and let me do a full reading, maybe I will! Hehehe."

"I've got–"

"Oh! Work. Yes. For Nino and Nina. Good enough folk. They've been around for years! Tell them Mr. Mystical says 'hello!' and that she still owes me for backing her up in 99' at Comfort Zone." Mr. Mystical squeaked and spun gleefully. "Get to it! But do get rid of that cursed bracelet quickly. You've got two days before it implodes all its Magics. Nasty bit of business there."

"What? Two day–"

"You heard me, young man! Really, the manners of you young people nowadays is just…it just…you know what, nevermind."

Alex started to stand.

"Not that way!" Mr. Mystical shrieked. "The other way!"

Alex sighed and pivoted. You always listened to a ghost if you knew what was good for you.

Great, he thought, checking the time. Full moon. Britanii maybe wants to kill me. And now the bracelet is on a timer.

His phone buzzed again. He didn't have time to answer Mary or Snu even though he wanted to.

His shift started in ten minutes. He needed to get moving. Alex flipped on his [Audio Player] to some Kiss and got to running. He didn't even want to know what NIna would do if he was late. His stomach rumbled and he hoped that she would have something for him to eat prior to his shift.

As Alex started running, his [Blazing Hot] title activated and cool flames spread out around his feet.

Oh hell yeah, he thought as people stared.

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