Dear Diary,

I'm doing my best not to think about what Saffron asked me not to think about, but it's hard.

Yeah, I know, I know, that's what she said.

Thing is, some of what I'm tryna think about is stuff I'd been thinking about already. Which she hadn't cautioned me away from, so maybe that's not bad to think about. I hope not anyhow, because my brain auto-hyper-fixates on stuff and I'm just along for the ride at that point.

In this case, there's definitely some shit going on, an intersection between what I'd been thinking about before, that whole 'different body configurations wind up giving different mental configurations' thing, and my own neurodivergence. Seriously, one of the things that I read about back in the day was how different types of neurodivergent folks relate to their bodies differently. Some of us are super sensitive, some are kind of insensitive to physical stimuli, and some it totally depends on both the stimulus and the situation.

I'm not really anywhere on the spectrum that I know of. I think my therapist would have mentioned that. Then again, I know I read something once about how one kind of neurodivergence can mask other kinds, and how combinations can look real similar to the effects of some kinds of trauma, and how trauma itself can change the way symptoms present. So I can't really be fuckin' sure of anything, with the nearest psychiatrist specializing in neurodivergent shit is a universe away. But I got diagnosed for ADHD back in the day, and I'm pretty fuckin' sure that one was solid, even if I've no idea what technical definition describes everything else about me. So, y'know, 'ADHD' and 'trauma' are what I'm pretty sure of.

Thing is, in my case in particular, that means I hyperfocus and try to multitask. But as I may have mentioned before, although I'm not sure at this point, I remember reading something about cephalopods back in the day. While they've got brains, and more gray matter in the brain than anywhere else, there's a lot spread out through the rest of their bodies too. Like I mentioned to Saffron yesterday, there's gotta be a chunk of thought-flesh in each tentacle, and even if I stop thinking about how maybe I'm not enough to force each of them to do what I want, I still gotta think that my tendency to try to multi-task is gonna wind up with me spreading myself across them.

Which is just gonna wind up with me like I was, not really 'me' in the sense I think of me being me, but also not Mimic, or tentacles, or whatever.

I guess what I'm saying is that at this point, trying to control my tentacles that way is like a tar pit specially designed just to trap me and fuck with me. Yeah, maybe if I had nothing urgent to do, I could spend a few days, or weeks, or whatever just vibing with them until I got a feel for it, but even that... Even that feels like doom scrolling.

Oh, fuck, I lost so much time to doom scrolling back in the day. Chasing the dopamine hit of the next video, the next article, the next meme. People see the name and think it's about looking for negative things, which I guess some people do, but for my money the name is because once you start, you're doomed. You're scrolling until doomsday. Yeah, a lot of those little tidbits shake some dopamine free, but most don't. But just enough to press the button again.

It's a fuckin' Skinner box.

Yeah, I think I've mentioned that kind of thing before, that engineered dopamine release trap that addicts people to shit that isn't even fun. That's what doom scrolling is like. Thing is, what people don't seem to realize is how easy it is to slip back into it. I'd be sitting there, playing video games, reading a book, hell even playing with my vibe when the batteries worked, and without even thinking about it I'd pick up my phone and start scrolling. How fuckin' sad is that, how much of an indicator of addiction, that I'd do that shit mid-fap?

Yeah, my point about the tentacles is that I think maybe they're doom scrolling for me. Even as I lost thirty six hours and maybe almost ate my lovely ladies, I'm rationalizing why and how and when it might not be an awful idea to do it again. Seriously, I know being able to consciously use the part of my ass that covers the eastern seaboard for more than just extra disembodied limbs near my actual me body would be real fuckin' handy, not to mention being able to get more specific intelligence data than 'I have an itch and do not know where it is to scratch it'. That's a completely legitimate and rational reason why I'd want to learn to control them like that.

Stolen from Royal Road, this story should be reported if encountered on Amazon.

At the same time, not only is 'the middle of a kaiju war' not the time for that, it seems almost like all those really dark awful impulses Mimic sends me wind up taking me over at that point. Like, I didn't think 'oh, my ladies would be tasty, but I shouldn't, because they're people and people are friends, not food'. Shit, I barely thought 'no, I love them'. It was just 'tasty, nom', and then me barely stopping myself. When I'm in my own head, those impulses are things I can treat like intrusive thoughts and just, y'know, not do, but when I'm not in my own head they're on another level.

Shit, I'm definitely getting inside my own head. Interrupting my own OODA loop. Fucking with myself. Which is exactly what I need to not be doing right now, what with at least half a dozen kaiju incominng.

At any rate, yesterday after spending the night first confirming to Tallulah that there are more bedroom configurations than one vee one, and some of them can be just as overwhelmingly satisfying as Kitten showing off, we all settled into bed and I watched as my ladies floated around my Maw commenting on the replay. Tallulah being Tallulah, she overanalyzed everything. Well, okay, not really 'overanalyzed' so much as gave very blunt feedback. Some of which was hilarious, some of which was surprisingly hot. I very nearly dunked her mid-feedback at one point, but remembering the whole 'ladies are friends, not food', I waited patiently until she was done.

At which point she looked up at that hovering tentacle and said, very clearly, "what are you waiting for?"

So I stopped waiting. Angel food cake, but good.

Yeah, I know.

As we all got up and got ready to go to work, which also now included getting the Tentacles out to sea, with both Tallulah and Saffron remaining Co-Located to their respective Head of State jobs, Tallulah pulled me aside.

"What's up, T?"

"Thank you," she said, quietly.

"Sure. For what?"

"For waiting."

That kinda floored me just a little. "I mean, why wouldn't I?"

She tilted her head. "You're not my subordinate, not a member of my court. You are my Goddess. You need not wait for me to finish speaking."

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, but that would be rude."

She nodded. Then frowned. "I almost suspected..."

I gently laid a hand on her cheek. "Suspected what, T?"

"That you didn't enjoy the taste?"

I slipped my hand behind her head and pulled her down into a kiss. Ignoring our kids declaring us 'silly', I kissed her gently yet thoroughly, until I could taste nothing but her. Then I pulled just far enough away from her to say, "do you want me to interrupt you?"

"No?"

"You sure?"

"Yes."

I nodded. "Then I'll wait. But I'm waiting because you want me to listen, not because I don't want to make it so you can't speak."

With that we all headed down to breakfast, and I split myself across my daily duties. Which did not include meditating on the West Tower. Yeah, I planted one of me there, but mostly to tap into the Mana from my biggest, strongest tentacles in case the kaiju showed up yesterday.

They didn't. With the Tentacles still heading to their positions, I had the group of me that had been searching for stuff in the ocean instead heading up and down the coast, as far out as I could go and still see land. Which is right about where the Tentacles were, where they could see land from the top of their masts. Of course, I had to Translocate up to that height, but honestly that part is kind of fun. Hop up, check my distance-to-shore, then cannonball back into the water. Sploosh.

Came home, ate dinner with all four of us scrunched in at the head table just to put T in the middle, because I didn't want her feeling left out. Seriously, even if she's only here for her kid and the next one, I think she needs it. Also, given how often she's stepped up, how much Ria and Maze and Isnomi have roped her in, I'm pretty sure she's not going to wind up as disconnected as she thinks she is.

Just to be sure, after putting the kids to bed I yoinked all the ladies to the Bedroom and we took turns showing T how much we wanted her here. Including but not limited to playing baby roulette, because unless Sidhe babies come along in less time than Maenad kittens, even if she winds up fully impregnated she's not even gonna know until this is all over and done with.

Okay, if she winds up completely preggo and barfing and round with nursing tits I'm gonna go kick Olympus until somebody who has Poseidon's cell number falls out or something.

Definitely dunked T deep in my Maw as I dreamt Mimic dreams. Repeatedly. But not while she was talking. Pretty much her fate last night to be talking or dunked, no in between.

By midday today, the Tentacles were on station, each of them patrolling a chunk of the Alliance coast. I put my swimmers back to searching, because now more than ever I needed to find the shit for my Very Special Plan.

Okay, I think I do. If I remember what it was, and I'm not forgetting some important part of it.

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