Stena

Stena speed-walked her way out of the little walled area for eating. As soon as she passed the little doorway that was really no more than a break in the wall, the sound dampening Array immediately cut her off from the chatter - or lack thereof - in the little dining area.

Once she was solidly away from the dining nook and off into the section of the large training room that she had been in all morning, she dropped down into a seated position. She crossed her legs as if to meditate but knew that she was far from calm enough for that.

She wasn't exactly angry. She knew that. She didn't expect to be suddenly called out for her emotional state, and wasn't prepared for having the entire room regarding whether or not she was of sound mind.

More than anything, though, what threw her off was how easily Vyne had presumably seen through her. Her mothers knew most of what was going on in her head. She had confided in both of them plenty of times, and several of them were even recent. She was also pretty sure Cierra knew, too. They were as close as any of their siblings were, and with the way Cierra had apologized quietly when Stena left…Cierra knew.

She wasn't too sure about Kord, but he had always been a very straightforward person, so Stena didn't really think that he would think less of her should anyone else in that room tell him anything. He would probably just judge her on how she acted normally - like she had hoped every one of their other siblings would.

Stena struggled to steady her breathing and calm down. It was just frustration getting to her now, and she knew that. The frustration at being suddenly put on the spot, and the deep feelings of inadequacy that had been festering within her for so many years.

It was something that was so deeply ingrained in her at this point, that apparently it was all but an indelible mark on her very soul. Something that Vyne, who had spent several hours working with her on Cultivation techniques, could see in her foundation, or her Qi, or something.

Admittedly, she wasn't sure how it all worked, because she hadn't learned that part of Cultivation yet, but she knew that her mothers could share feelings and emotions through it. She assumed that there was something to that that had allowed Vyne to see her innermost thoughts.

Stena took in a deep breath and let it out slowly. She did her best to narrow the field of all of the thoughts bouncing around in her head. Her mind was racing too fast and too wild to really focus, but she did her best to try to contain the scope. Narrow her racing thoughts down to a single topic. Think clearly about it, and avoid any branching ideas. Make her thoughts a single monologue, rather than a cacophony of a shouting mob.

She knew, very roughly, where her frustrations had started. And, unfortunately, Cierra had either known or guessed correctly that she was the cause in some ways.

When they were both just entering their pre-teenage years, Stena was getting progressively more and more frustrated because Cierra was just better than her. At everything. Cooking, Cultivation, gardening, writing, math…Cierra outshone her in every way.

She understood now, of course, that some of it was just their ages showing. Cierra was two years older than Stena, and when the girls were seven and nine, that difference in age showed. And the differences were pretty clear for the following several years. It was unfair of Stena to judge herself relative to her older sister when that sort of difference made such a large impact. Not that a ten year old was old enough to realize that.

And she knew, of course, that no one in their family had ever looked down on her for any difference between them, either. It took her a long time to reckon with that, too - most of her inferiority complex was practically self-inflicted.

Kord and the other kids that were taken in with him had arrived when she was eight. She was also aware that their expanding family surely had something to do with it. Cierra had quickly fallen into the role of reliable big sister with the newer, younger kids. Stena had as well, but just not as well - or as easily. Just another way that Stena compared herself to her sister and found herself lacking.

There were so many moving parts to the issue, that by the time she became actively aware of it and the dam holding back her emotions broke, she was nearly twelve. It had been almost seven years since then, and despite all of the work she had put in to try to overcome it, she remained haunted by thoughts she just couldn't escape.

The worst part of it all, on top of everything else, was that she knew, logically, what her hang ups were, what most of her problems were, what the causes were. She knew - and even acted on - things she was told would help, or things that she thought would help. Stena actively took lessons and practices to heart that should have assisted her in processing her feelings.

The words that she had told Arek months ago, that she had heard from Emery so many years ago, now - she believed them. She had taken them to heart and formed a pillar of her personality around them. Take the bad things in stride, and try to be happy in spite of them. Do what you can do, and let things you can't change flow away like water off a duck's back. Work to make things you can't change now something you can change later.

Stena truly believed all of those things. She acted on them. Lived by them. But, apparently, some feelings were too deeply embedded in her for them to be washed away with hard work or trying to override them by force.

Stena breathed deeply, finding her breathing, at least, calm. She still wasn't in any state to meditate or focus, but she was able to at least let some of the tension go.

"Stena? Want some company?" Avuri said, her voice soft. She was still quite a bit away, standing somewhat awkwardly. Stena appreciated that Avuri was willing to give her some space if she wanted it. And that only one of them came out.

She considered saying she did just want to be alone in the quiet, but that would have been a lie. She wanted her mother.

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"Sure," was what came out instead.

Avuri walked over to her quietly and sat gingerly down beside her daughter. Close enough that Stena could feel her movement and presence, but not close enough to touch.

The two of them sat in silence for a bit. Neither were in meditation or cycling their Qi for practice. It felt a little weird to Stena that she was in a training facility but made zero effort to train with her mother watching.

The quiet stretched on for several minutes. Stena fought the urge to talk or even just lean against her mother for support. She didn't really know why she was being so obstinate about it, but something deep was stopping her from acting. All kinds of words were bouncing around in her head, but she was hesitant to say anything. Apologies, excuses, or anything in between.

Eventually, the silence was pounding too loudly in her ears for her to take any longer. "Mom, I…I don't…" Even as the words started to form, she wasn't sure what path to take.

"It's fine, Stena," Avuri said, her soft voice as warm as a blanket. Stena closed her eyes, comforted by the three small words and her mother's voice. The small bit of comfort lapsed her back into silence.

"You know, Emery never asked me about my Sky Realm trial," Avuri said, her voice warm but also wistful. "I've mentioned before that it was difficult and that it was pretty focused on my unresolved feelings and relationship with my family. But I've never told anyone exactly…how close I was to probably failing that trial. Or, for that matter, just how hard it was."

Stena looked at her mother, who was staring off at the ceiling of the large cave room. Despite her wistful tone, Stena thought she could see other emotions etched into her mother's face. Regret. Sadness. Pain, probably.

"I don't recall if we've ever really talked about our Trials with you all during lessons. I know we've told you the basics. They're very difficult. Very personal. That sort of thing." Avuri glanced back toward the little sequestered area where everyone else was eating.

"Emery's trial was tough, but my understanding was that she didn't have that hard a time." Avuri said. "She said it targeted her regret over the people she couldn't save. And that it made her feel weak and powerless, and it made her reaffirm her trust in herself and her own skills before she could overcome it."

One corner of Avuri's mouth quirked up. "In my case…In my case, the trial was what made me finally confront how…twisted I knew my family to be. I had spent most of my young adult life up to then ignoring it and making excuses for them. The trial showed me things…made me relive things that woke me up."

Stena sat quietly, watching her mother take a deep, steadying breath. "Some of the scenes it put me through nearly broke me. Some of what I saw during that trial even still haunts me." Gently, Avuri placed an arm around Stena's shoulders. "Point being," she said, the timbre of her voice changing again, "it's difficult to say what exactly you'll see in there. But on the other hand, if you have some deep-seated emotions that are festering under everything else, it's almost guaranteed to target that."

"So I need to get over it before I do anything else, then." Stena spat.

"I didn't say that, did I?" Avuri said. Stena turned to look at her mother, confused.

"Isn't that the whole point of Vyne bringing it up? He clearly must've been able to see something in my Cultivation that is damning enough to-"

"Hold on, Stena, that's not it." Avuri said, giving her daughter a gentle squeeze. "I think you've got two things wrong. First, it's not so much that you need to entirely sort everything out in your head before you attempt the trial. It's less that you can't have any emotional turmoil in you or anything like that. It's more that if you're actively suppressing some of yourself, things can get dangerous."

"Meaning?"

"Meaning it's not that you need to work everything out before you attempt the trial, but rather that you need to spend some time thinking about how you feel and recognizing it rather than putting it in a mental box. If you understand yourself, then when things like emotions and feelings get used against you, you'll be able to recognize it and overcome it."

Stena narrowed her eyes, "And what's the second thing?"

"Vyne didn't see anything in your Cultivation that told him anything. Nor does he probably have any real idea what the issue is." Avuri trailed off, trying to decide exactly how to approach the next part. Stena could see it in her face.

"I guess you could say that you have a tell, Stena."

"A what?"

"A tell."

"Like when I'm playing mahjong."

"Yes."

"What?"

Avuri's head bounced side to side as she considered. "I would guess you've never noticed then. I'll preface this by saying I don't know who else has noticed, but I know Emery has. You pay a lot of attention to Cierra during training."

"I do what?" Stena asked, blanching.

"Exactly what I said - you pay a lot of attention to Cierra during training. If you're near each other - like today - you react to her training. You get overly competitive when she's doing well or being praised, for example. Or you get clearly upset when she's able to do something you can't."

Stena wanted nothing more than to shrink and hide somewhere as Avuri tried to awkwardly explain her own actions to her.

"I suspect that Vyne noticed you were constantly glancing Cierra's way throughout the morning, or some such reaction." Avuri paused, considering her next words carefully. "If I had to hazard a guess, I would actually guess that Vyne is concerned you're actually preoccupied because you have a crush on Cici."

"What?" Stena was dumbfounded, trying to wrap her head around the idea. A crush on her sister? "Ew!" Part of her wanted to scramble away from her mother at the idea, but all she did was shake off Avuri's arm. "Oh, gross!"

Avuri laughed. "I don't know for sure, but without context, I could see coming to that conclusion. Either way, I can at least promise you that there's nothing wrong with your Cultivation, Stena. He's just reading your mannerisms and your seeming lack of focus."

Stena buried her face in her hands. She was not interested in her sister in that way. She was, however, worried about how distracted she must look during training that Vyne had worried about her being mentally unprepared for the trial.

A second thought creeped into her head after that one; if he thought she was in love with her sister, and concerned that her mental state would be unable to handle the trial that would be associated with such feelings, she could only assume what that trial would look like.

Stena shivered at the thought. "Was he guessing -"

"Some people have said the trial can tempt you with pleasant things, yes."

For the moment, Stena's previous turmoil was forgotten. She could deal with her feelings of inadequacy and perhaps jealousy later, when she had time to herself. She had a far more pressing need, and working through her trauma wouldn't be solved in a single afternoon anyway.

Stena jumped to her feet, and did her best to keep her face from growing hot. She suspected that blushing with embarrassment might actually make this all worse, somehow.

She quickly strode back across the stone floor toward the little sound-proof room where everyone else was finishing up lunch. The sound hit her all at once as she crossed the barrier of the Array, with her mother just a step or two behind her.

"For the record," she declared, causing everyone to stop and look at her. "I am not in love with Cierra."

A stunned silence followed, as she met everyone's eyes, one at a time. Except for Emery who had covered her face with a hand.

Cierra herself looked stunned, but was also clearly wrestling with how to respond. All she got out in the end was an awkward sounding, "Yay?"

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