The phone was really something. I don't know what I'd expected from an isekai smartphone, but good heavens.

For one thing, it had no wires, no earbuds. It beamed sound right into the bones of my ears. "Can you hear me?" asked the box lady.

"I can. Sorry, kind of a jumpscare. What do I need to make it work?"

"Let it get to know you. You're baseline Human, currently, so it's already working with you there. English-speaker with Angelino accent circa 2020's. Hard R's and flat vowels with strong phonemic differentiation."

"Why are you helping me so much?" I was remembering cult initiation procedures. "What's expected here? Do I have to kill someone for you?"

"No killing. It's a crime here; that might take some getting used to."

"It was a crime for us too."

"Sure it was. I notice you're not asking me the major questions. Go ahead."

"What happened?"

"There was an eventful morning about five years ago."

Five years. Just five, and all of this. "Why was I in jail?"

"Is that where you were? I'm so sorry. You were incarcerated because only one man can do what it takes to bring you here, and he's the President."

I ran my fingers through my hair, feeling to see if I had a brain yet. "This is…why would the President pick on me?"

"You've been rebuilt here many times, Owen. You cause problems, to put it mildly."

"Don't call me that…I'll be Mateo."

"That's good. Mateo. Other things you're not asking: where is your family? According to the records I have, Owen Mateo Walsh had no pre-sliced family. If you want to pretend to be someone else you might want to consider a backstory."

"Okay," I said dazedly. "Thank you."

"I've never defrauded anyone before, it's interesting. Do you have a soul yet?"

"Don't I have one already?"

"You'll know when you get one. Kids here are born with them, but isekai's and others take a little while. Don't panic; it'll be scary but you'll get used to it. Think of it as accelerated metaphysical puberty."

"Puberty." I huffed a laugh. "Who doesn't love puberty?"

"Hey that's better; he's cheering up. You'll need it; local nets are saying the Covenant of Man is running around town now, looking for you. I really think you should contact the Feast of Fools. They'll want to help you. I do too."

The narrative has been taken without authorization; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.

"Is it your function?" I had no clue of the etiquette here. "Are you…an AI?"

"Yeah, but my function is to do stuff I like doing. The Feast will help you. Please consent to my contacting them on your behalf."

"What if I say no?"

"Then I won't call them but I'll think you're stupid."

"Don't call them. Not ready."

"You're so stupid. But you'll think about it?"

"Sure. I need to get out of here. I have to get online and find out some things. I assume your existence means there's an internet."

"You have no idea. Can I help you myself? I need to stay here in the store to help people who need things. Can I spawn an instance in your phone?"

I didn't understand, and I'm not terribly prudent, so I said: "Sure."

"Okay cool." The wooden robot spun and went back to Get the Phone. "I'm here in your phone and we can talk while people try to kidnap you again."

"Kidnap." I knew it. Leaving town was a good idea. "Okay. What do I call you?"

"Oh wow…um…Electron Raven. No that's silly…um…I'm Lady Obsidian Talon Blade Darkmatter. I don't want to tell you what to do, but if you're not going for the Feast, then head for the train."

"There's a train?" The train sounded exactly correct. It was what I wanted.

"Over there, to the right. Good. Okay you like the Cramps? I'm now calling myself Lux Interior…by the way, it's been fifty years since you used the Isekai App. Usually that hits hard, but not Owen Walshes, considering."

"Walshes. Plural. How many are there?" I remembered the graffiti in the air conditioning system.

"You get one now and then. They all act the same at first, then they become their own guy. Let's get on the train."

The train looked like a big centipede. It was made of brass and silver and had round windows with each segment, and I did my best not to ooh and ahh over how shiny and toylike it was.

"No ticket," I said to the AI.

"You just get on and you go. Tickets are pre-sliced. Like money and health insurance."

I boarded the train. There were others here; Humans of various hues and Lisa Frank color schemes. Nonhuman beings that I tried not to stare at: a balloon sort of thing, little fuzzy dinosaurs in a pack of five, one of those big radial three-tentacled dudes. The seating arrangements and furniture were confusing, but there was a Human section for guys like me.

The smells in here were fascinating. Not unpleasant but definitely inhuman.

"Where's this train heading?" What insane isekai magical kingdom, what Land of Oz kind of lunacy?

"Canada. Good to go? It's a lot to take in; how are you holding up, Mateo-not-Owen?"

"Okay. I busted out of jail and I'm on a train out of the country." I looked around. "Maybe I should keep my voice down. Tell me about Covenant of Manliness, or whatever. Why do they want to chase after me?"

"They believe a lot of stuff. None of it matters. Earth for Humans. 'Real' Humans, nobody like these colorful specimens around us. No AI embodiments or nonhuman transplants. No modifications in gender or body types. No fun at all, and they get violent whenever they can."

"That's…surprising. This seems okay to me."

"A lot of Humans are still adjusting."

I looked out the window at the tropical jungle around Lake Michigan. The metal legs of the train were really hustling; not as fast as a train from … before, but pretty fast, and it didn't need a track. It appeared to be all-terrain.

"It really must have been an eventful morning," I said. "I want to learn all about it, but from somewhere safe."

"I've offered you several options for safety."

"Somewhere safe that's my idea."

"Owen Walsh, after all." But she wouldn't elaborate.

And then the Leader of the Human Resistance showed up.

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