"Here's how it's gonna work," said Dr. Harrigan. "You're going to let the drone through, and once we see that you're on the level, you get your animal back."

"What kind of qualification standards are you looking for, Doctor?" I was in the dome, and the various bizarre alien world-opening devices were humming, squirming and clanging. I had to shout. "Is a drone camera going to be enough?"

"It's not up to me. Do you have a dog-and-pony ready?"

"There aren't either of those animals here."

"What I mean is: do you have a demo ready for us?"

I did not. "Or course I do. Fancy bathrooms with gold leaf on everything for your citizens. Ugly, squalid places for their slaves."

"We call them helpers, don't call them slaves. The citizens get upset when you call them slaves."

"Terribly sorry about that. I'm going to ask you some questions, Doctor, and they'll seem stupid to you, but please answer in good faith. Is everyone going through at the same time?"

"No stupid questions, Owen. And that's a very important one: have you ever heard of the Doctrine of Discovery? It's how people used to go about claiming territory. So Columbus or Cortez or whatever explorer finds a place, sticks a flag in it and says: this belongs to Spain or Denmark or the Queen or Richard Nixon."

"What's this got to do with Schmendrick?"

"All five citizens got in this huge fight over who gets to go first, yeah? Their problem is that legally, under the Doctrine of Discovery, the first guy owns it all and can boss the others around."

I stood, found the bolt I was looking for. "That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard." The bolt in question squirmed, tried to get away. "What about the people who live here? What about those militia idiots they sent over? What about YOU, Dr. Jeff, weren't you here before any of them?"

"I don't count, I'm broke. And the Doctrine and its Eurocentric-conqueror mindset means that there simply aren't any people living there, none with legal rights."

"And this is how you spend your time. This is Humanity's hail mary."

"I'm not proud of it, Owen. I wanted to swoop in wearing a cape and solve all of it. I had a plan, one you and your livestock ruined. So this is what we get."

"How long till they all just start trying to kill one another?"

This tale has been pilfered from Royal Road. If found on Amazon, kindly file a report.

"I give it a week. Imagine being in a room with five rich old men who've convinced themselves that they're Little Princes of the Universe, and NEED the others to know it. The meetings have driven me insane." A pause. "Well, more insane."

"What about my guys, once your bosses and their helpers are here?"

"I…don't know. If I were you I'd clear out. You yourself are someone they'd love to get their hands on. They talk about it a lot, you and Nakahara. They want to find ways to remove your soul, to make an example of you both. And Cassie Nilsson. All of you and your alien zoo. You interfere with their Human-centric superiority thing."

A view he shared, of course. "How does that make you feel, Doc?"

He sighed. "Not great. None of it makes me feel great."

Oho. Time to bait the trap.

"Doctor, are they vying for the title that says Savior of Humanity?"

"Ha! It's all they talk about, while somehow never actually mentioning it. It's really incredible. They want to be loved. They really only want to bring the slaves along to love them. Helpers, I mean. It's…well it's sad. And all the dead they'll be leaving on Earth mean nothing to them."

"Sure, thousands of spare Humans over here. Problem solved, right?"

"That's the way they see it."

"Do you agree?"

A thoughtful pause. I knew him well enough by now to get an idea of what was going on in his pasty, liver-spotted skull, and he didn't disappoint. "I think a planet full of corpses isn't much of a legacy for the Saviors of Humankind."

"What if it things could be different?"

Another pause. He knew me, too. "Different how?"

"What if you could save all of them? Not just the richies and their helper worshippers. You know, the Other Thing you asked me about before you got the job?"

"What have you got?" He did know me. "What are you doing, Owen?"

"Just learning more about the transaction we're about to complete. One Schmendrick for five-thousand-and-five Humans in their new world."

"You're doing some little gesture of defiance," he was lockdown suspicious. "Don't you know that–"

"Save the threats, Doctor, you're getting what you want."

"Make sure of it. No tricks, no nothing from you. Are you under the impression I only have the one hostage? Once this animal dies, I'll kill one Human every hour, and I'll do it in a way that your freakish Radio can't ignore. I'll do it until I we get what we need, Owen, and I'll start with children. I'll do it so you can hear their mothers begging me."

"Oh, well don't go full-on lunatic Human or anything, Doc. Give me a chance to do right by you."

"You get six billion chances, a new one every hour. Don't forget it. Nothing clever or tricky. I swear it, Owen. Do you believe me?"

"I do."

"The monstrous Doctor Jeffrey Harrigan had ended the discussion," the Radio announced sourly.

"Think he'll take the bait?"

"I don't know."

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