It wasn't just retro, as in designed like it was a website from 2026. It looked even older and jankier.

Every participant chose a tag. I picked 007 and got it first try. I found lots of Molly's Best Pal and Stargate Sucks variations. I didn't have a mouse; the phone watched my eyes and Adaobi taught me how to double-blink when selecting something.

Frequently Asked Questions:

What's this all about?

Is Mom Alive?

What Year is This?

If We Won, What's Going On?

I HATE THIS, What Can I do?

Who is Doing This to Us and Why?

This is Bullshit

Where are the Mods

Is Molly Alive?

On and on. I read through all of them. No, Mom wasn't alive, and neither was Molly. An earlier version of us had been pushed too far and decided to destroy Human civilization for the better.

I nodded. Good. Appropriate.

But it wasn't over. The President had found a way to keep making people he'd recorded in his App so long ago. There were lots of us, nobody knew exactly how many. And one of the best ways to avoid detection was to change bodies. So we could be a Pingster, obviously. But also a Cazador, a Brother of the Night, a Sorn, a Kung Fu Crawdad…any number of beings I'd never encountered.

We could also simply become a different Human. Limitless possibilities. I checked for Uploading; could one of us become an AI? Either I didn't see the question or it wasn't Frequently Asked.

I found a live chat section. I watched it carefully for some time before entering; it was a discussion about how to prepare arepas properly.

007: Good evening. Noob here

OwenBeta_StillBuggy: Mr. Bond. Are you safe?

007: I think so. Still getting my sea legs.

Almost said Winnie Walk, but that's too location-specific.

Version2Point0wen: Don't tell us where you are. Do you have help there?

007: Yes, I'm lucky to have them

Version2Point0wen: Hot girls?

007: Eye-searing hotness

Version2Point0wen: Oh my god how do these Owens get girls??? do I offend, brothers?

"I'm having thoughts," Adaobi said.

"Me too," Said Lux. "Shameful ones!"

007: The hot girls are objectifying you, gentlemen

Version2Point0wen: (A thumbs-up emoji and a heart)

OwenClassic_Knockoff: Oh man I love being objectified, thank you ladies

007: What should I do next?

OwenBeta_StillBuggy: Did you get a soul

007: Yes, was caught by shitheads and Rune tattooed, but a pingster bit it off me

OwenBeta_StillBuggy: You're THAT guy? That shit was primo, rescue the Pingster lady, turns out she was a mayor, did you know? Solid work

Version2Point0wen: I'm objectifying you right now, 007

OwenClassic_Knockoff: Back off bitches he's mine!

One of them posted a video. The beaten, bloodied face of Preston Covenant Todd Peterson, swaying helplessly in front of a camera. He was being held by the scruff of the neck.

Behind him was a blurry, twitchy shadowy fuzz, then it was me, and then it was a cloud of black motes again, roughly Human shaped. A strange, snarling voice spoke, sounding artificial. Not like a synthesized voice, more like one coming through a musical instrument. "This your guy?" the Owen-thing asked the cameras. "This him? This your revolutionary?"

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OwenBeta_StillBuggy: None of us have any idea what's happening in this video but we want seven seasons and a movie

007: um… let me explain

OwenBeta_StillBuggy: That dude had it coming and you gave it to him. Good explanation

007: I like you guys

OwenBeta_StillBuggy: you have solid judgement and unsuspected depth

007: is Feast of Fools guy here

OwenBeta_StillBuggy: once in a while but we have rules you hear me rules rules

Version2Point0wen: Rule 1 don't try to meet him in person

007: why not, what will he do?

Version2Point0wen: We don't know yet. Lots of theories. You can check the subboard for that, it's pretty thorough and was clearly composed by the world's greatest minds

Adaobi shook her head. "They think they're hilarious."

007: my buds are following this discussion over my shoulder. Do I need to kill them?

Version2Point0wen: These are the hot girls, so no. We can take one for the team

OwenBeta_StillBuggy: Describe them! Just not in enough detail for us to be able to identify them.

007: One's a super beautiful girl with a passion for adventure and danger. The other one's the same thing but purple

The chat filled with hearts, kissy-faces and an animation of Tex Avery's lustful wolf cartoon with his eyes leaping from his face at seeing a cute girl.

"I want to talk to them," Lux said.

I stepped out of the way. 007: hot girl here taking over

OwenBeta_StillBuggy: gulp

Version2Point0wen: everyone remain calm

007: You seem nice but my Owen is the best one. Sorry for the bad news

Version2Point0wen: If he helped you then he's the best one

OwenBeta_StillBuggy: we surrender to his power and majesty and whatever…are you doing okay

Version2Point0wen: did you have that body with good integrationware or did you need to learn autonomous activity all over again? And walking oh man

Lux talked to them for a bit. I went to get something else to drink.

"Is this weird? It's weird." Adaobi watched the chat with wide eyes. "Are you freaking out?"

"It's uncomfortable. Like watching video of yourself or hearing your own voice."

"Cringey, as they used to say."

"In the extreme."

"Are they hitting on you?" Adaobi asked Lux.

"No, they're all gentlemen. They seem quite angry on my behalf. I like when people are angry on my behalf. They want to talk to you, Owen Mateo."

007: This has gone on long enough.

OwenBeta_StillBuggy: Suggestions?

007: Murder would work.

OwenBeta_StillBuggy: Who gets murdered?

007: The ones doing it.

OwenBeta_StillBuggy: As a group, we tend to avoid murder. Bad for the brand.

007: Their civilization was overthrown. The larger issue was cleaned up but Human nature is still running around hurting people. I don't know if you guys are aware of how bad it is.

OwenClassic_Knockoff: There are some of us who think like you

007: What's stopping us?

OwenBeta_StillBuggy: Innate decency, I suppose

HusbandMandy: We don't kill.

Adaobi gasped. "That's him," she said. "Gotta be."

"Oh shit," breathed Lux.

007: Sez who

HusbandMandy: Sez me. Sez all of us.

007: Will you protect them, then? The ones responsible? Protect them from justice?

A very long pause.

OwenClassic_Knockoff: That's a very good question, HusbandMandy

OwenBeta_StillBuggy: I want to know this as well. Are you aware of the Human Darkweb

More radio silence. No new chat messages. Everyone was watching, in this room and online. Then, finally:

HusbandMandy: What specifically justifies murder here?

007: I think you suspect what's happening but you WANT someone to do something. You aren't, or can't, for some reason.

HusbandMandy: We should discuss

007: We will

I closed the clunky chat window.

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