Today's Earth date: January 4, 1991 1992

This climb has given us a lot of time to think and to talk.

Our squires are universally in favor of anything that makes us stronger and keeps us in this world. I didn't notice it at first, but they discourage anything that deviates from the Chosen Hero quest in even the smallest way and always find a way to be against us figuring out a way to get back to Earth.

The more time I spend with them, the more they seem to be working off of some kind of script. Horcus says that's a normal experience to have with NPCs.

-The Journal of Laszlo the Paladin

Wayne and Fergus sat quietly in one of the locker rooms beneath the arena, waiting for the undercard matches to finish.

The Zero Hero ultimately opted for plate mail for the additional protection. He preferred the flexibility of leather, but the well-designed plate was surprisingly practical. Furthermore, most of Wayne's movements came from Blitz and Easy Out rather than having to move his own body with any sort of speed.

He had two vials of Cure Poison tied to the inside of his chest plate, and he would enter the arena carrying his sword and Fergus' staff. That combination made him feel a bit like Gandalf–never a bad thing–but the real motivation was to have access to the spell-borrow ability of Elyon's Staff.

They had no way of knowing if it would work through the protective barrier, but on the off chance that it did, carrying the staff would allow Wayne to cast one spell from Armond's or Fergus' spelllist, a comforting failsafe and potentially a significant strategic advantage.

Fergus' Rot spell dealt damage over time, and Armond's healing and cleansing spells were useful as well. The spell Wayne was most interested in, however, was Shiza. That Phantasy Star II spell blocked enemies from using special attacks.

If he could use the staff at all, it would only be once, so he didn't plan to play that card until he had a feel for the direction of the fight. He didn't want to burn a borrowed spell early only to discover that he desperately needed a cure poison spell later.

The day before, he unlocked The Secret of Monkey Island and Splatterhouse. Wayne was very familiar with the former. It was one of his favorite adventure games, which made the catalog description more entertaining, because it wasn't the way he remembered the game at all:

Crawl through the stone monkey to find a man who walks three inches above the ground and sets fire to his beard. Visit interesting places and steal stuff. Strange things happen on Monkey Island.

Splatterhouse felt much more on brand:

Alone on a stormy night… enter, if you dare, the unspeakable horror of SPLATTERHOUSE! Look out for that ax, don't lose your head. Your only hope is to unleash the monster within yourself and fight back.

From those two titles, he unlocked the following abilities:

Insult Duel - "My name is Guybrush Threepwood. Prepare to die!"

Two by Four – Swing this weapon like a baseball bat for awesome destructive power.

Insult Duel was an intelligence debuff from what Wayne could tell from testing, that or it made a monster so angry that it was dumber as a result. Same thing at the end of the day, really.

The second unlock was an active skill that enhanced the power of Wayne's next melee swing.

Beyond his own loadout, the positioning of his party around the arena played a role in the battle strategy as well.

Armond, Sammy, and Vanilli were in a VIP box with the Blackwells. Hector and Margo were in general seating but on the lowest level. If Targitaus was observant, seeing those two with the other Zeroes might clue him in that he was being watched, so they traveled separately to the arena.

What Hector and Margo saw at Targitaus' ranch was strange but didn't confirm his access to fleshmancy tools or to ratmen. They saw no abominations on the property, but they did see over seventy harpies. Any of the other breeding operations on the ranch had at most six of a monster, making the harpies a significant anomaly.

But what was that proof of? Was it proof of anything?

For now, Wayne had to focus on the battle ahead.

The door to the locker room opened. Sanders and his assistant entered, flanked by two men with swords–a security detail, Wayne assumed.

"Even with the increase in prices, we don't have a single empty seat in the whole arena," Sanders bragged. "This is the biggest match in our history. We are all excited to see the show you put on."

"We intend to collect the pages immediately following the match," Fergus said. "Will they be here in the locker room or will we need to go elsewhere to retrieve them?"

Sanders laughed. "I admire the gumption, but I'm afraid the Zero Hero won't survive. Three Deaths is a formidable opponent. I'd say even the real Chosen Heroes would find him difficult to best."

"If it's not here when I walk back out, I'll go get it myself," Wayne said.

"Sure. If you win, I'll make sure your prize is ready for you."

"Purse too," Fergus added.

That got Sanders laughing even more. "Hubris is the death of many a warrior. Try not to let it affect the fight too much. We need a good minute or two before you die for the crowd to be satisfied with the show."

Seeing the usher appear at the door to the arena, Wayne got up and grabbed his sword and staff.

"No final words, Zero Hero?" Sanders asked.

Fergus leaned back. "I'm really glad we're indemnified against damages. If you weren't a chode, we would have felt bad bankrupting your operation."

"Chode?" Sanders asked, narrowing his eyes.

"It means 'penis.'"

"Actually," Wayne said before Sanders could reply, "it specifically means a short and fat penis. Earth culture is very nuanced, you see."

"I'll enjoy your demise." Sanders left, followed by his entourage.

"See you soon," Fergus said to Wayne. The Zero Hero nodded and followed the usher up the ramp to the arena.

The pit seemed much larger now that he stood in it, looking up at the crowd.

Stone walls surrounded the fighting area, rising five stories to the first row of spectators. Black crystals were spaced evenly around the border to provide the protective enchantments Sanders described in one of their previous talks.

Wayne spotted the Blackwell box and then found Margo and Hector in the stands. Wayne wanted to be aware of where his people were, just in case. Beyond that, he put the crowd out of his mind and focused on the hard dry dirt beneath his feet. He spotted the four racks of spare spears spread around the edge of the pit and set his eyes on the iron gate at the other end.

Of the walls' five stories, the gate covered four.

Wayne was vaguely aware of an announcer introducing him as the Zero Hero, but he couldn't hear his own thoughts over the roaring crowd. He could, however, feel his heart pounding in his chest.

He stepped toward the center of the pit and stabbed Fergus' staff into the dirt. He wouldn't be at his best with two weapons in his hands, but he wanted the staff nearby if he needed it.

Seconds before the gate began to descend, the volume leapt to new deafening heights.

Three Deaths emerged from the shadows, and Wayne saw that the proportions represented in the poster were more accurate than he hoped. Each head was larger than Outlawson and attached to a cat-like body roughly as long as five of Wayne's wagons laid end to end.

He could feel and smell the breaths of all three heads from across the arena. The goat head had the crazed eyes of a billygoat, its flat teeth chomping swiftly as if it were chewing. The lion head snarled, peeling its lips back to reveal spear-length teeth. The lizard head hissed, flicking a long tongue in and out.

In addition to being larger than he expected, Three Deaths had added a new weapon to its arsenal. In place of its long cat tail was a scorpion stinger, and it seemed proportional to the rest of the monster, meaning it could likely reach farther than any single bite or claw swipe.

Wayne started the fight with Insult Duel from The Secret of Monkey Island.

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"You fight like a dairy farmer!"

The words came from Wayne's mouth, but he didn't choose them. In the game, Guybrush Threepwood fought pirates with insults, exchanging personal attacks and comebacks to win a battle. Wayne had played enough to recognize that the ability made him shout an insult from the game itself.

He didn't know why dairy farmers were dragged into a pirate insult duel, but he hoped the debuff landed regardless.

Wayne twisted and tapped Easy Out to dodge a fireball. He was immune from the flames but not from any physical mass the object might have. These seemed to be pure flame, so he put that concern out of his mind. He still intended to hide his Mark of Fire ability, however.

Dodging a few more fireballs, Wayne sent a volley of Missiles at the chimera. The health bar at the edge of the screen didn't move as they crashed into fur. The projectiles from Sword of Ice had the same result.

That didn't mean they weren't doing damage, but it did mean Three Deaths had a lot of hitpoints.

The monster also seemed to be immune to Hrglut, Upsidaisy, and Wink-Wing.

Wayne Blitzed across the arena to close the distance but had to Brake halfway. The goat head squirted a vile green liquid like a firehose, chasing Wayne as he dodged.

And more balls of fire joined the spray, adding flaming craters to Wayne's every attempt to close the distance. He felt like he was going over the wall in a World War II film, facing mortars and unending gunfire as he charged the front line.

Wayne retreated and snatched the staff out of the dirt. He wanted to save it for later, but the goat spit was worse than he anticipated.

Saying a small prayer to whatever developer made Phantasy Star II, he activated Armond's Shiza spell, aiming at the goat head. The venom cut off, and the goat alternated between angry bleats and pained coughs.

For the first time, Three Deaths advanced, traveling half the length of the arena in two powerful bounds. The scorpion tail whipped out of the sky, the stinger embedding itself in the ground where Wayne stood just a moment ago. The attack was quick. Wayne saw the stinger sink several feet into the ground, and it withdrew as quickly as it had come.

Running Back.

The crowd cheered at the appearance of a summon. The football robot took off to the right toward the lizard head while Wayne went left toward the goat. As he hoped, the bot drew aggro for a boss monster as well. Running Back bot survived a burst of flame–barely–and then shattered into countless pieces when the stinger stabbed down.

That was all the time Wayne needed to get to the wall. Using Soft Tires, he ran around the fortification surrounding the pit, his body perfectly horizontal, picking up speed the longer he let Firenze V12 build momentum. He saved Blitz for each stinger attempt, using the dash forward to blink out of range at the last moment. Shattered bricks erupted from every attack, and he felt the wall beneath his feet shake.

Skycat bolted away from Wayne and immediately followed orders: Instead of charging the monster, the fighter plane kept its distance and painted lines of burning bushes around Three Death's feet, a combination of the Nee spell and the Flame Bracelet ability.

Wayne didn't expect the plane to last long, but it was doing a good job of splitting the monster's attention.

The original plan was to eliminate the goat head first, but that was before they knew about the scorpion tail. Wayne dropped Linebacker bot as he Blitzed by the goat, hoping the robot could draw just enough attention for him to reach Three Deaths' back.

The ruse worked, and Wayne's feet touched down on the giant feline body. The dot for Linebacker bot disappeared from his HUD a moment later but Wayne didn't look back to see how the robot had died.

To his surprise, Soft Tires counted for the surface of monsters as well. He ran down its spine as if magnetized to the beast while Three Deaths thrashed and roared, trying to shake the Zero Hero off its back, but Soft Tires held.

With the armored tail coming into view, Wayne cast Slyway Robber and drained 10 points of strength from Three Deaths.

The monster bent to bite at its haunches with the lizard head, but Wayne managed to Blitz by.

Barely. He felt the monster's lips graze his back as its teeth snapped shut.

Fire a Broadside!

A cannonball flew at the base of the scorpion tail and exploded in a splash of green goop. The tail was still intact, but it was wounded. Three Deaths' thrashing became even more violent as Wayne used his enhanced strength combined with Two by Four to swing his sword as hard as he could at the wound. He connected twice before Defensive Screens burst from the force of a vicious goat horn.

-83 hit points.

That left 189.

The blow sent Wayne into the air. He spiraled across the arena and heard the whistle of Personal Foul go off. The high-pitched shrill didn't seem to hurt Three Deaths the way it did other monsters, but it still upset the chimera.

Brake.

Blitz-Blitz-Blitz.

"Tail is attached but broken," Armond said in Wayne's mind. "Still dangerous but not nearly as bad."

That little bit of coaching was helpful, allowing Wayne to focus on getting clear of danger without having to look back. Sure enough, the health bar had dropped by an eighth, maybe a little more.

In the time it took Wayne to get to the scorpion tail, Skycat had laid down a dozen rows of burning bushes, all billowing dark gray smoke into the air. Three Deaths didn't seem to take damage from the flames, but it did avoid stepping on them.

Skycat banked to kamikaze into the goat's mouth–like Wayne had done with the rat burrow a few days before–but the lizard head shot it out of the sky with fire before it could get close.

Tyris-Flare Fire Magic (3 Pots).

Wayne debuted his bikini figure to the arena and sent two fire spectres to cauterize the tail before it could regenerate. Wayne didn't linger to see if it succeeded, returning to moving as quickly as he could to stay ahead of Three Deaths' targeting.

"It worked!"

"Are you sure?" Wayne asked.

"Billium says it would have started regenerating already. It definitely worked."

Hurray for basic Greek mythology.

Worried that Shiza would run out and allow the poison to return, Wayne sped toward the goat head. The smoke and the flames made it more difficult for Three Deaths to track him, and without a scorpion stinger stabbing down from the sky, Wayne felt far more confident in his movements.

Right when the goat head was coming into range, Wayne abruptly pivoted and Blitzed under the lion head, aiming for an exceptionally thick batch of burning bushes. He hit Brake in the middle of the smoke and used Castling to summon quick-build walls.

Three Deaths shifted backward and smashed a paw onto the castle, crushing it as though it were no more than an insect.

The arena went quiet as Three Deaths looked closely with his lion head to confirm his kill.

As the smoke cleared, cheers burst from the stands again. Wayne had left his castle behind him and used the smoke to Blitz under Three Deaths, popping out over the shoulder on the goat head side. He spammed Easy Out to carry himself higher and higher into the air and then combined Super with Dynamite.

He leaned into the attack so much that he felt the immense drain on his mana, like standing up too quickly but magnified by ten.

From his vantage point in the air, all Wayne could see was smoke from the explosives, but Armond had a better view.

"Goat is down!"

Tyris-Flare Fire Magic (3 Pots).

While the spectres flew to cauterize a second wound, Wayne pushed his mana to Blitz to the far side of the arena, as far from Three Deaths as he could get.

Wayne's mana was dangerously low. He felt the hints of wooziness at the edges of his movements and knew that he needed to buy time for it to replenish.

Three Deaths kept his distance, choosing instead to shoot fireball after fireball at the Zero Hero. Wayne made a show of having to dodge and dive out of the way to accumulate valuable seconds of mana recovery even though the fire couldn't actually hurt him.

The lion head grew impatient, roared again, and charged at Wayne.

He needed more time.

Skulduggery.

-5000 gold pieces.

Fergus was not going to like how much that cost, Wayne thought.

The lion head turned its attention to the lizard, hissed, and started snapping at the firebreather. One bite connected, peeling long rends of flesh from the lizard head, but the lizard flailed to headbutt the lion, breaking it free of its brief confusion.

Wayne was nearly under the lion head now. He saw it wind up for a bite and hoped he could time this right.

Cold Goods Storage.

The dimensional door appeared in front of Wayne as the teeth came down. Wayne bounced off the back wall of the container, grateful that Fergus had managed to sell the dirt after all. He snatched one of the Greater Healing Potions they had stashed inside before the fight and quaffed it.

That topped his hitpoints off at 272 again.

From inside Cold Goods Storage, Wayne couldn't see what the chimera was doing. His party anticipated that, so Armond knew to wait until Three Deaths' attention drifted under itself, like a cat searching for a laser pointer that suddenly went dark.

"Now!"

Closing Cold Goods Storage with himself inside ejected Wayne out the entrance in an instant. He spammed Super Dynamite well before he got his bearings back from the forced teleport, dumping dozens of sticks at the lion head.

Easy Out. Easy Out. Easy Out.

He created distance, but not enough to fully escape the force of his own explosives. He was immune to the fire, yes, but not the concussive blast.

-33 hitpoints.

Wayne's bikini reappeared, and another pair of flaming spectres cauterized a mangled neck.

Three Deaths had less than a quarter of its health left. The monster's movements were labored and shaky, the severity of its wounds draining its stamina and crippling its agility.

Wayne's mana was bottoming out again. He barely had enough to pull off the Storage trick just now.

Saving his mana, Wayne ran at the lizard head on foot, letting Firenze V12 gather speed. Angry and desperate, the lizard head reared back. It unleashed and held a long breath of fire. The blaze was wide and dense. It didn't hurt Wayne, but he couldn't see shit either.

So he kept running.

The ground beneath his feet suddenly shifted from dry, scorched dirt to a surface that was soft, wet, and squishy. Wayne rammed his sword upward as hard as he could. The lizard tried to bite down, but the force only drove the sword deeper.

For a moment, Wayne felt like he was in a Yahtzee cup as the lizard shook its head with desperate anger.

Brake.

Wayne's ability stopped him dead but the monster kept moving. The violent jerk turned the stab into a gash half as wide as its head. Wayne felt a pause. Then he had the sensation of his body traveling through space. He bounced off the roof of the lizard's mouth a moment later.

-78 hit points.

Then silence. Total and complete.

"Wayne? Are you alive?"

"Yeah."

"...It's regenerating."

Shit.

Wayne forced his way out of the lizard mouth and started chopping at its neck. He activated Fire from ESWAT to cauterize the flesh as he went. Thirteen strikes later, Three Deaths, champion of the Iomallach arena, was officially dead.

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