Today's Earth date: December 15, 1991

Assassins came for Horcus while he was grinding in the Cuts. He got lost when he ran from them. By an amazing stroke of luck, he saw my spells in the darkness when we were fighting the goblins and followed the flashes to our position. He arrived just in time.

One assassination attempt was bad enough. A second attempt, with killers willing to pursue someone through the Cuts, is really bad. If they came for Horcus and Rathain, Wilmond and I probably have targets on our backs as well.

-The Journal of Laszlo the Paladin

Wayne never visited a rainforest on Earth.

He ate at the Rainforest Cafe once when he was fourteen.

He watched Fern Gully a few times.

He considered the first Predator a classic film worthy of annual viewings, at a minimum.

But he had never actually been in a rainforest, and the Forest of 10,000 Cuts was a proper jungle, so much so that the road to Iomallach felt more like a tunnel. To either side, the vegetation was so thick as to appear solid, and the forest canopy overhead was dense with branches and vines. Every hour of daylight in the Cuts felt dim, like the sun was out but the blinds were permanently closed.

The pastel colors of coral mixed among the dark green of plants was hauntingly beautiful, like an alien landscape that only existed in sci-fi concept art.

The air was wet with heavy humidity and filled with the sounds of insects buzzing and chirping and scratching all around the party. The bugs made an interesting accompaniment to the Paula Abdul cassette Vanilli currently had playing on his boombox. Left to his own devices, the demon could listen to Abdul the entire day, and Wayne suspected that's what he had done in the Water Temple to pass the time.

How was Vanilli not sick of that album by now?

Wayne had to pause his thoughts to laugh at the absurdity of his current quest. His entire party of unlikely adventurers wore cowboy hats as they moved through a rainforest on a wagon pulled by a giant bug while Paula Abdul blasted out of two old speakers, MCed by a demon in disguise.

"If we need the chainmail, probably don't got to worry about random encounters, right?" Hector asked. "Can't imagine a rat getting through the coral if we can't."

"Really, Hector? Really?" Margo asked.

"What?"

"We talked about this last night," Armond said. "Goblins in the Cuts wear armor and know the safe routes by heart."

"Was I there for that?"

Margo laughed. "Yes, you were sitting next to me."

"We also talked about manacondas and siren traps."

Hector raised a finger. "I remember those. Giant snakes and plants that make noise to trick you."

"Very good," Margo said, patting him on the back.

The former bouncer rolled his eyes. "See. I was paying attention. More importantly, I have simple pleasures to add to our list."

"By all means," Fergus said.

"Listening to a thunderstorm coming up the coast."

"Would you say that approaching thunderstorms in general would count?" Fergus asked. "I know you're a Cuan boy at heart, so I have to ask."

Hector thought. "Yes, I believe that would count. Doubly so if it's a summer night and the windows are open."

Fergus nodded, proudly. "A lovely addition to our list."

Margo raised a hand. "If we're adding to the list, we should include reading under a blanket during a rainy day and watching men at work, builders, preferably."

"Margo!" Fergus exclaimed. "That's so scandalous."

She shrugged. "Sweaty, hard muscles? Yes, please."

"Easy, girl." Fergus laughed.

"Do we put that on the list or no?" Sammy asked.

"Absolutely," Fergus answered. "We don't judge."

Wayne looked at Fergus with incredulity.

"Okay, we do judge, but we are also supportive."

Sammy scribbled in his recipe book. "I'm adding 'getting served by a cute waitress' too."

"Approved!" Fergus shouted. "Wayne, we don't have anything on the list from you. Perhaps you'd like to add something to move us out of this particular genre Margo put us in?"

Taking off his cowboy hat to itch his head, Wayne said he had been trying to think of something since they first started the list days ago. His two best ideas were Earth-specific, though–binge-watching an old television show and putting on a pair of underwear fresh from the dryer.

It wasn't re-watching a television show, but he had been re-reading The Great Gatsby, courtesy of Vanilli's gate-collected artifacts. Wayne enjoyed the story well enough, but it wasn't one of his favorites. It was, however, one of only three Earth books he had seen in this world. Part of him regretted trading his looted copy of The Hobbit to Perris and not pocketing the Terry Pratchett book he saw way back in the Capital.

"Reading a book you love over again," Wayne said.

"That's not boring?" Armond asked.

"Not with the right book," Wayne answered. "A re-read is less about being surprised by the story and more about revisiting something familiar to see how the latest version of you feels about it."

"I agree with this pleasure," Vanilli said.

"I've tried reading a book twice on a few occasions," Armond admitted. "Could never do it. I was always jealous of my squadmates who could. They had an easier go at passing the time."

"Wayne is right about needing the right book," Fergus added. "That's a high bar to reach. Not many books can do it."

Wayne nodded. "It also doesn't have to be for everyone. I'm not into watching dudes lift heavy things like Margo is, but that's fine."

A case of literary theft: this tale is not rightfully on Amazon; if you see it, report the violation.

"You could learn to appreciate it."

The Zero Hero laughed. He cut his mirth short to announce that Probe had picked up two red dots and two blue dots.

Bringing Outlawson to a stop, Wayne sent Skycat ahead to scout while the party grabbed their weapons.

Armond stood and addressed the party. "Don't forget: Stay out of the jungle. None of us are wearing full chainmail, so stay aware."

Watching Camera on his HUD, Wayne saw two manacondas circling two teenage boys. The boys were maybe fourteen. They were barefoot and shirtless, wearing only cutoff shorts. They were skinny, but their tans and physiques suggested they had spent much of their young lives working. One had brown hair, and one had blonde.

As for manacondas, they shared the general proportions of anacondas on Earth but skewed larger. Where they differed was also where their name originated: Instead of a snake head, manacondas had the head of a human. In this case, both of the manacaondas had male heads with long brown beards.

They snapped at the boys, looking for the easiest way around their wooden spears. The boys were back to back, their jaws clenched with combat focus, but Wayne could also see the fear in their eyes. They knew they were trapped.

"Two manacondas and two kids," Wayne reported with Voice.

To buy time for him and his party to arrive, Wayne used Skycat to hit each manaconda with Hrglut and then Missile. In any other terrain, he would have Blitzed to the battle already, but the dense jungle made the super-dash ability difficult to control. Even getting above the canopy would smash his head off of several thick branches, and then he would have to go back down through the canopy again to get to the battle.

As the party ran down the muddy road together, Wayne asked Margo, "Give Backstab Bomb a try?"

"Let's do it."

When they arrived, the manacondas were all but recovered from Hrglut. Small dots of blood pocked their bodies, wounds from the spears Wayne assumed. They hadn't done much damage by the looks of it, though, and the boys were still trapped in the middle.

"Ready?" Wayne asked.

"Go for it."

In all of his free time to think–of which he had a great deal–Wayne saw a few wasted opportunities in how his party fought. The biggest was Margo's Backstab damage. She had the daggers of the Chosen Rogue as well as the Hero cuff Wayne had recently identified, both providing bonuses to Backstab. As it was in most RPGs Wayne had played on Earth, sneak attack damage was very clearly broken in this world.

But Margo was rarely in a position to put that to use. She didn't often stealth ahead of the party alone, and typical battle formations made it difficult for her to get behind an enemy unseen and without putting herself in significant danger.

The combination of Upsidaisy and Wink-Wing Wayne used on the orcs to hurl them through the air was another combo that seemed like it should be useful, but throwing enemies at himself had limited utility. He called that technique the Upsi-Toss, and he really wanted to put that clever combo to use.

Enter: The Backstab Bomb.

When the party closed on the manacondas, Margo ran ahead with her daggers drawn. The manaconda on that side of the road turned its disturbing head to see the party charging, the rogue in the lead. She triggered Mirage, leaving a copy of herself behind as she sprinted forward. That was Wayne's cue to do his part.

Upsidaisy. Wink-Wing.

As soon as the Upsi-Toss portion of the combo took the real Margo off the ground, she disappeared with her Hidey Hole ability. To the enemy, the rogue had stopped suddenly in the road and waited for her party to catch up. But that was her Mirage. In reality, she was airborne.

Wayne couldn't see her for himself, but he watched Margo's dot on his HUD soar over the heads of the manacondas and land on the opposite side of the battle.

"You good?" Wayne asked with Voice.

"Yep."

Then the body of the far manaconda erupted, a spray of blood and guts akin to being hit with the cannonball from Broadside. The entire monster didn't explode the way the ratman fleshmancer had, likely because these had more hitpoints, but cutting the snake man in half killed it regardless. The Backstab dropped Margo's invisibility, but the other monster was too busy to notice.

The remaining manaconda snapped forward to bite Hector–an odd visual, given the human jaw–but Armond's air barrier spell Deban deflected the attack. The tank's first slash bounced harmlessly off the body of the beast, but his second, enhanced by Zapathingum, did not.

The man-head yelled with anger and pain like a drunk step father who stubbed his toe in the dark.

The manaconda pulled its head back and swung its long, thick body like a flail. The tree-trunk body broke through Deban and hit Hector's shield. The tank slid to the edge of the road from the impact but looked unharmed otherwise.

Then the snake's body ruptured the way its partner's had. Hector's distraction was as good as Hidey Hole in this case, allowing Margo to close the distance without detection.

"We didn't get to do anything," Fergus said to Wayne. "How dull."

"I got to throw Margo."

"Fine. I didn't get to do anything. A good problem to have, I know."

Up ahead, Margo had her hands up, trying to comfort the boys. They were quite shocked by the sudden appearance of a middle-aged woman carrying knives, accompanied by geysers of gore. "We're not here to hurt you," she said in a motherly voice. "We only want to help."

"Who the hell are y'all?" The blonde-haired boy asked, his spear up.

As Wayne approached, he saw that the blonde boy was slightly larger than the other, making him older as well, perhaps. The boy's lower lip bulged like he had chewing tobacco wedged below his front teeth.

Not like tobacco. The boy spit a thick brown liquid. It was chewing tobacco, or this world's equivalent.

"We're on our way to Iomallach," Wayne said. "Looked like you needed a hand."

"Aint ever seen manacondas this far east of the Crack. Appreciate your help."

"The Crack?"

"Definitely not from around here. The Crack is a big ol' gap in the ground, west past the Lighthouse. Folks say it don't got no bottom."

Ah. Wayne knew what the boy was talking about. On the maps, "the Crack" was called Drumin's Divide after one of the earliest Chosen Wizards. The guidebooks, like the boys, also claimed it could be bottomless. The distance between the Crack and where they were now was at least equal to the distance between Cuan and Asplugha, if not farther. That was, indeed, a long way for monsters to migrate.

Wayne assumed he and the system were to blame.

"We have a wagon a little ways back," Wayne said. "You're welcome to ride with us the rest of the way to Iomallach."

"We ain't heading that way, but thank you all the same."

"Where are you going?"

"Back home to Mudsville. We were just out froggin'." When the boy saw Wayne's confusion, he clarified, "Frog huntin'."

Wayne looked at Fergus who shrugged. Neither of them knew about a town named Mudsville.

"We're not familiar," Wayne said. "Is it outside of the Cuts?"

"Naw. It's east of here a little ways."

"I don't remember seeing it on the map."

"That's 'cause city-folk draw them and don't know shit about the Cuts," the boy said, spitting as if to emphasize city-folk. "Y'all want to have dinner with us? Ma would insist when she hears you helped us."

Fergus stepped forward. "That's quite alright, we have a reservation at the Blackwell estate. We must really be going."

Wayne held up a finger to ask the boys to wait for a moment while he spoke with Fergus. "If anyone knows something worth investigating, it would be the people who actually live here."

"A fine observation, but I doubt they have goose down pillows in 'Mudsville.'"

"What happened to going wherever adventure takes us?"

"I still believe that. Adventure is taking us to a nice estate in Iomallach."

Wayne stared at Fergus.

"They chose to call their town Mudsville, Wayne. That can't be a good sign."

"Is there room for us to camp?" Wayne asked the boys. "There are two more with the wagon."

"Yessir."

"We're checking it out, Fergus."

Fergus grumbled. "I told you I hate it when you use that right next to me, but fine."

"What's for dinner?" Wayne asked as Fergus went to inform the rest of the party of the new plan.

"Was gonna be frogs, but now we got all kinda manaconda meat." The boy grinned wide. "That's some good eatin'."

Eating snake wasn't a practice that bothered Wayne. He had never had snake on Earth, but he would have tried it if given the opportunity. Eating a snake with a man head was a different story.

"Don't worry," the blonde boy said as if reading Wayne's thoughts. "We don't eat the heads. That scary lady with the knives didn't poison them or nothin', right?"

"Right."

"We can drag 'em, but loading 'em on a wagon would be easier."

"Works for me," Wayne said. "Before we go get the wagon, I need to tell you about a giant bug named Outlawson."

If you find any errors ( broken links, non-standard content, etc.. ), Please let us know < report chapter > so we can fix it as soon as possible.