Today's Earth date: December 2, 1991

I told the guys I was thinking about dropping out of the Chosen Hero quest today.

No one was happy–Horcus, least of all. Rathain and Wilmond stayed to argue with me, but Horcus left right away. Not a word. Slammed the door and was gone.

I was hard on him for getting an STD from that witch in disguise, so I deserve the silent treatment. I can see how much of a hypocrite I'm being, but I also stand by my decision. I don't want to adventure any more.

-The Journal of Laszlo the Paladin

"Y'all sobered up yet?"

Wayne squinted at the bright light coming through the jailroom bars. Armond was awake, picking dirt from beneath his fingernails. Fergus seemed to be awake but wouldn't open his eyes. Hector slept upright, Sammy draped over his shoulders like a sleeping cat. Vanilli stirred on the floor.

"Why do I feel so awful?" the demon asked. He paused, working his mouth as if tasting the inside for the first time. "Why does it taste like someone shit on my tongue?"

The voice came again. "Come on out. Best get goin' while the freebie is still good."

The guard looked familiar to Wayne, but he couldn't say why. He was tall, built like an action figure, and had the gray stubble and hard eyes of someone who was world weary.

"Everybody up," Wayne managed. He regretted speaking. The vibrations of his voice hurt his head.

"Freebie?" Armond asked.

"A few of the guys recognized you from the battle yesterday. Said we should look the other way on account of how much you helped."

"Thanks," Wayne said.

An hour of very slow walking later, they arrived at their inn. Margo was downstairs, enjoying a cup of coffee. The plate next to her looked like it held eggs at one point.

"You abandoned us," Hector said.

"I wasn't going to jail over your piss."

"How did you get away?" Fergus asked.

"Hidey Hole. It was one of the abilities I got for leveling up back at the Temple."

Wayne pulled up the ability description from Tunnels & Trolls:

Hidey Hole - Makes caster and his party invisible for three combat rounds.

"This says you could have made the whole party invisible," Wayne said.

"It only lasts for 15 seconds, and I've seen enough drunks to know that someone like Hector needs at least three minutes piss."

Hector nodded that that was true.

"How you feeling, Vanilli?" Margo asked.

The demon only groaned.

Margo patted him on the back. "How was the simple pleasure of peeing in an alley?"

"I'm not sure I see the appeal."

"Then you did it wrong," Armond said.

Vanilli thought. "No, I'm certain I pissed correctly."

"It's probably a contextual thing," Wayne offered. "Vanilli hasn't been on the surface long enough to understand pub culture. Give him a year, and I bet he'll understand what Armond means. As for me? I'm going to bed."

With Armond and Margo being the only exceptions, the rest of the party ventured to their rooms.

"Seen anything you want to put into Goods Storage?" Fergus asked as they ambled down a Vientuls street in the late afternoon.

"Find a buyer for your special dirt yet?" Wayne shot back.

"I'm telling you," Fergus replied, "we'll turn a good profit on that. Then you're going to have to eat your words."

"Right. And the fish?"

"Sammy wants to try selling a few pounds. Maybe find a guest-chef position for a night. I think the guard house was down that street," Fergus said, pausing to think.

The pair were returning to the guard house because when Wayne woke and had a cup of coffee, he realized where he recognized the jailer from: He looked like Laszlo the Paladin, but older. Wayne had seen an in-person representation of young Laszlo when Perris demonstrated how the disguise necklace worked, but the moment was brief.

Laszlo had visited Vientuls on his journey. That much was clear from the journals, but basic math told Wayne that the Chosen Hero would be 71 years old by now. That age didn't match the guard, and he had a hard time imagining someone saving the world only to retire to manage a small town drunk tank.

But Wayne was curious. He had promised himself he would pay more attention to the small things, so he convinced Fergus to join him.

When they arrived at the guard house, they described the jailer they met that morning, without mentioning the resemblance he shared with a certain Paladin.

"That's Luke," the guard said, immediately. "He's working the Palazzo tonight. Could catch him there."

The guard pronounced palazzo as "puh-laz-zo" instead of "puh-laat-sow," which Wayne was pretty sure was the correct version. But that was on Earth.

When Fergus asked what the guard meant, he replied, "Laszlo's Palazzo."

Ah, the people here wanted the name to rhyme, so they forced it.

Or maybe that wasn't intentional but just happened.

A stray Earth memory floated to mind for Wayne. He was in college, playing poker with friends. One of the women at the table claimed to be from the storied Reese family, as in the family who invented Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, a popular peanut butter and chocolate candy. Someone asked her if she liked Reese's Pieces.

Ensure your favorite authors get the support they deserve. Read this novel on Royal Road.

She slammed her cards down.

In that region at least, Reese's Pieces was pronounced "ree-sees pee-sees." According to this member of Reese family royalty, her family hated that people said it that way because Reese's Pieces said the normal way rhymed just fine. In fact, it was named that way because it rhymed, yet uneducated buffoons like Wayne still bastardized the pronunciation.

"I saw a flyer for Laszlo's Palazzo at one of the pubs last night," Fergus said. "It's a Chosen Hero themed restaurant, so maybe our guy had enough in common with the real Paladin to be an impersonator?"

That theory wasn't outlandish. "Think you could get us a table?"

"Don't insult me. Of course I can get us a table."

"Uhh…" Margo said, scanning the restaurant. "You're sure this is the right place?"

Laslzo's Palazzo was decorated with a vague intention of mimicking the exterior of the Water Temple. The walls were framed like the recesses of the actual ziggurat and blue glass beads represented the sapphires found on the original.

At one time, the restaurant decoration likely matched the matte black of the Water Temple, but time had faded all of the wooden props, and many of the blue beads were missing.

And the place was crawling with kids.

"No, thank you," Vanilli said as soon as he saw the theme.

Wayne couldn't blame the demon for avoiding reminders of his 900-year prison cell. Armond and Sammy volunteered to leave with him without prompting, and the trio wandered off to find their own spot for dinner.

"Which party are you here for?" the hostess asked.

"Umm… Wayne's?"

The hostess looked at her notes. "I don't have anyone celebrating a birthday with that name."

Oh. That kind of party. "We just came to eat dinner."

She looked at him and waited for him to change his mind or correct himself, but Wayne did not.

"Okay… Then follow me."

Leading them to a table as far from the two children's parties as possible, the hostess directed the Zeroes to take their seats against the wall at the edge of a small stage. She passed out menus. All of the dishes were very much intended for children.

"Isn't this a novel experience," Fergus said to himself. "What do you suppose the flavor profile is for 'Wilmond's Wacky Chicken?'"

"Or 'Rathain's Ragu?'" Wayne added.

"'Horcus's Biscuits' sound good," Hector said, sincerely.

A waitress appeared and set a pitcher of water on the table, eyeing the group of adults curiously. "I'll be back around in five minutes or so to get your orders," she said. "If you need more time, know that the Laszlo Show starts on the hour. I won't be able to get your orders while that's in progress."

"What does this show entail?" Fergus asked.

"Umm… Music, a few costumes. The kids love it."

"I'm sure Fergus will too," Wayne said.

The waitress backed away slowly to let the party decide on their meals.

Eventually, their orders went in, and the hostess who sat them climbed up onto the stage.

"Gather round, everyone!" She said with a giant forced smile. "The Go Laszlo Hero Show is about to begin, so take your seats and…" she held a finger to her lips and began to whisper, "...be very quiet."

When the children had settled, and the Zeroes had received another awkward glance from the hostess, she held out her arms to start the show.

The rugged guard Wayne had seen last night–or that morning, whatever–took the stage carrying a guitar and wearing cheaply made plate mail and had a wooden sword sheathed on his hip. The guard hadn't bothered to shave, but the Laszlo likeness was easier to see now that he was in costume, even if the man was older.

Wait. Why was Wayne thinking this guy was old? They had to be close to the same age, technically.

The impersonator strummed his guitar and broke into a cheery song about the Chosen Heroes traveling the world to slay demons. It was very much a children's song and even included sections where the children could shout "Hero!" or "Oh no!" depending on the scene.

When Laszlo entered a battle in the song, he would announce himself as Laszlo the Chosen and then the kids would add "Hero!" in a chorus of high-pitched, overly enthusiastic voices. If Laszlo encountered a monster, however, they shouted "Oh No!"

Hector thoroughly enjoyed himself.

The Paladin impersonator played two more songs, finishing with a finale that brought children on stage to play the other Heroes with him. Wayne's waitress wore a cheesy demon mask and pretended to be beaten back.

She didn't have to pretend very hard. Some of the children had blood lust in their eyes and wielded their prop swords accordingly.

When the show finally ended, Laszlo the Hero exited the stage to the side where the Zeroes sat.

"Luke!" Wayne called, trying to get the guard's attention. "Hey, Luke!"

The guard, recognizing his adult audience, looked down at Wayne, confused. He asked for a minute and soon joined the table in plain peasant clothes–no more costume.

He had a bottle of rum that was a third full and falling. Rapidly.

"I don't do private parties unless the money is right," Luke said. "Food has to be included too. If it's an adult party, that costs extra."

"I actually wanted to ask you about yourself," Wayne began. "Your resemblance to the real Laszlo is uncannily close."

Luke stared at Wayne, deadpan.

"Right, that makes sense for an impersonator, but it's more than that. You look like the real thing. The real real thing."

"Glad I could entertain." Luke moved to stand but Fergus stopped him.

"My colleague is doing a poor job of explaining our visit. You see, this is Wayne, the Zero Hero. You may have heard of him, and he recently saw a spell that recreated Laszlo the Paladin as he was when he was eighteen years old."

"Zero Hero? Are you the guy that didn't get Diary access?"

Wayne nodded.

Luke settled, no longer looking like he might bolt from the table at any moment. "Gods screwed you too, huh?"

"Why do you say 'you too?' Did something happen to Laszlo we don't know about?"

The guard chuckled. "Sort of, but I really mean me. Laszlo came through town, knocked a woman up, and never came back."

"Laszlo never had children," Fergus said. "The records are very clear on that fact."

"No one has ever really believed me, so not surprised you lot don't either. My mother turned into a recluse over it."

"I believe you," Wayne said. "You've got his genetics. Plain as day."

"Genetics?"

"Sorry, I mean… features. Your features are too close to be someone who just happens to look like him."

"Thanks, I guess." Luke took a drink from his bottle and ate fried potatoes from Fergus' plate without asking. "So you saw me, the bastard son of the Chosen Paladin. Is that it?"

"I don't mean to make you feel like a tourist attraction. My own problems with the Diary motivated a research trip. We're retracing the journey of the Chosen Heroes and learning as much as we can along the way. We've already seen that the histories take liberties with the truth. Even big ones."

"Like what?"

Wayne tried what he thought was grilled chicken but regretted it. "The necromancers Laszlo fought outside of Cuan were just druids trying to mind their own business. The Heroes didn't actually rescue the girl like the stories say. She didn't want to be rescued and left her soul behind in the forest."

Luke raised an eyebrow. "You types usually get a kick out of teasing me, but you sound like you're actually serious."

"Types?"

"Tourists who want to heckle an actor. Happens much less these days. Not many folks recognize Laszlo's face as easily anymore."

"I assure you, we are Royal Scholars," Fergus said. "We're not inclined to heckle."

"Then what do you want?"

"To hear your story," Wayne answered. "Is your mother still with us?"

Luke nodded.

"I'd like to hear her story as well, if she didn't mind sharing it."

"Why?"

"My Diary access has acted strangely recently, and we think it might have something to do with the ratmen attacks you've been hearing about. The more we learn about the Heroes, the more we might be able to help."

"No shit?" Luke said, genuinely surprised. "I'll ask mother what she thinks and let you know."

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