Today's Earth date: April 1, 1992

The demons on the final floor had a few Earth items with them. As far as drops go, didn't expect anything like that.

It's surreal holding a book in your hand, knowing it's not from this planet. It makes my past life seem less fictional, but I'm not sure if that makes any sense. We've been in this Temple for a long time, and I think we're all feeling a bit loopy.

But we're done. Only gained two more levels from all that work, but that's fine. The goal was to make this Temple easier on ourselves than the Water Temple was, and we succeeded. The grinding definitely paid off.

Now we just have to get back out.

-The Journal of Laszlo the Paladin

The eighth floor was more of the same for the Zeroes but with far fewer encounters. The difficulty didn't change from the previous floor, but the layout was more simplified. They wouldn't need nearly as many days to clear the eighth as they did the seventh.

With the party working smoothly, they used this floor to experiment with their new unlocks and to try new tactics.

Strength from TV Sports Football and Super-Sophisticated Battle Computer from After Burner II both buffed the football robots, making them more powerful and giving Wayne the option to switch control from "Player" to "Computer." When the robots were set to Computer, they chose their own actions and tactics when Wayne summoned them. With Quarterback bot, that meant calling the best play from the options Wayne programmed.

He also learned that he got the same setting for both of his Skycat summons. Where he could give them general commands to follow before, like "strafe back and forth casting Nee on the ground," he could now simply summon them and let them decide what tactics to employ. They seemed to base their decisions on actions Wayne had taken with them previously.

Flag Girl from Super Monaco GP was one of his most bizarre skills yet. Wayne could use it once a day but only within the first two seconds of making visual contact with the enemy. When he activated it, the world froze. His party could think, speak, and act, but they couldn't move their feet. A pixel art rendering of a woman wearing a bikini appeared in front of the party and counted down from three, at which point she waved the flag to signal the start of the race.

Despite how strange it was to experience the Flag Girl skill, Wayne liked the extra second to talk tactics and prepare with heals, buffs, or summons.

Armond and Margo's unlocks were straightforward, even if they weren't immediately useful. Armond could diagnose and treat diseases now, but they would need to be in town to fully test how that worked. Acrobatics made Margo springier and more agile, and her Disguise skill worked like Vanilli's enchanted necklace, except that hers only lasted for eight hours before it needed reset.

Fergus and Hector ended up getting the most utility out of their new levels. Dazzle and Gas Grenades were both excellent encounter openers, but the party was naturally immune to neither. Hector's Protective Goggles guarded against Dazzle, so Fergus could toss a grenade in the room and Hector could charge in right after, cutting down confused and blinded monsters before they understood what was happening. Depending on the situation, he might also use Intimidate to further stun and delay enemies, though he also found that skill to be useful for crowd control, helping him to better manage how many attackers he had to deal with at any one time.

As for Fergus' Smart Suit, well, he wouldn't stop bragging about it. Appearing as a new menu item instead of a piece of equipment, the skill allowed him to set his preferred ambient temperature and humidity, and that's what he felt regardless of the environment around him. Future trips through the Cuts would be far easier for the wizard. The Smart Suit also automatically warned Fergus when he was in danger–being targeted at range or facing a strike he didn't see coming–but that wasn't as exciting for him.

The ninth floor was almost entirely unguarded. A series of hallways and side rooms ran the perimeter of the final dungeon floor, but no enemies appeared, and the party found nothing else notable but a few hatches for accessing the basement. They might have missed them entirely had Margo not pointed out where they should be according to how the Water Temple positioned them. Here in the Earth Temple, they were buried beneath dirt, but they were in all the locations Margo said they would be.

A chamber the size of a professional football stadium occupied the center of the floor. The portal that brought demons to this world was in that room, and so was a horde of red dots.

The entirety of the boss room was churned dirt from Spawners pushing the monsters to the surface, but the elevation still rose and fell like sand dunes, putting much of the room out of direct sight for the Zeroes at the entrance. Three naga adorned in strings of golden discs stood atop the tallest hill at the back of the chamber. The gate to the demon world was closed behind them. Standing before them were a dozen nagas of the variety the party was used to fighting, and twice the number of bufos lined up in the front like infantry.

Wayne had to immediately clear the health bars from his HUD in order to see the battlefield.

When he didn't see a definitive boss in the room–one on par with the giant skeleton they fought near Asplugha–he held off on using Flag Girl to stall the start of the fight. He preferred to risk it not working on the second phase for the chance to give his party a few extra seconds to collect their thoughts before a boss fight.

Behind the party, a stone door dropped to seal the boss room shut, but two plaster penises the size of a person held it open. The force and weight of the stone shattered the tips of the sculptures, but enough survived that the party could duck out of the chamber if they needed to flee.

Fergus frowned at the visual. "It's like when she goes up too high and then drops-"

"That's enough," Wayne said.

The gold nagas started casting buffs while the other nagas summoned Earth Elementals. The bufos cocked their arms back to launch tridents or filled their throats to spit paralyzing bubbles.

"Blast Shield!" Armond called.

Until that moment, the play dubbed Blast Shield existed only in theory as the party had yet to encounter the volume of enemies needed to justify its use, especially in an enclosed place.

The story has been illicitly taken; should you find it on Amazon, report the infringement.

First, Fergus tossed his staff to Armond so that Armond could use the borrow-a-spell ability. Both men then cast Hellbomb Burst on the mob of monsters while Hector dropped an Iron Wall to shield the party. Wayne bolstered their protection by casting Defense on the Zeroes.

The room quaked, shaking loose plates of green from the walls and ceiling, revealing dark blue bricks beneath. Wayne felt the force of the sudden expansion in his chest, like someone tried one pump of CPR and stopped. Flames licked around the barrier of iron while shrapnel and debris sprayed around both sides and overtop the party.

That many small objects bouncing off of the iron must have sounded like a million metal raindrops, but Wayne couldn't hear anything save for the ringing in his ears.

Wayne reactivated Emverdoo and estimated that two-thirds of the health bars were now gone.

"Charge left and be ready for Home Row!" Armond said before the Zeroes bolted to the left and charged to attack one side of what remained of the monster army.

Wayne went right, lobbing Dynamite across the room as he ran, his speed gaining with every step. He launched a pinball just before he ran up the wall and kicked off, launching himself over a batch of bufos who bolstered their numbers with Earth Elementals. The steel ball pinged rapidly between the monsters, each flashing with every impact. Though it damaged them, the ball didn't bounce with the force Wayne would expect from a mass of steel moving at that high rate of speed, but that was fine. He felt a growing feeling of being increasingly energized the more bounces the ball made.

He used Wink-Wing to yank the back row of enemies closer to the first row, and Blitzed in to use En Passant and Righteous Cloud to fight with seven swords instead of one.

Though that moment was over in a flash, it felled a dozen enemies and triggered the Morale buff for Wayne's party. The Earth Elementals on the outermost edges of the Blitz lost arms and legs but didn't fall entirely.

Fart.

Wayne used the extra space to target one of the gold nagas.

Skulduggery.

Resisted!

Skulduggery.

Resisted!

Wayne frowned.

"Home!" Armond said via Voice.

Home Row.

The party reappeared at the entrance to the boss chamber in their original formation.

"Left again and hold the hill!"

Armond's timing had been exceptional. Wayne swung his sword, angling the bounce of the pinball to speed into the fray just ahead of the Zeroes on the left side of the room. His buff grew with every ding of the ball ricocheting off an enemy. Coupled with the Morale buff, Wayne felt as good as if he had used Slyway Robber to jack up all of his attribute points.

He kept an eye on the pinball moving across his HUD map. Given the advantage the party had right now, and given that the advantage grew the longer the pinball stayed in play, Wayne decided that he would rather use Home Row to keep the ball in play longer even if it meant a lot more travel for his party.

The gold nagas cast a spell as a group, each shooting beams of emerald light into the same point on the ground. All the dirt in the room seemed to contract as a colossal earth elemental formed.

Was that the boss?

Wayne was disappointed to see Flag Girl didn't count this as the beginning of a new fight but didn't let that slow him. He summoned both Skycats and told them to coat the earth elemental with Nee. As the fighter jets flew into action, Wayne lobbed a few test spells at the elemental, going from Missile to Dynamite.

Missile barely stirred a cloud of dust when it struck the monster. As for Dynamite, the gold nagas were trickier than Wayne anticipated. They used a wind spell to blow the Dynamite back at Wayne. He had to spam Easy Out to get clear of his own explosion.

Wayne cast Gra on the earth elemental, using magic to increase the pull of gravity on the monster. The earth elemental was too powerful to be affected, but the bushes growing across its body were not so durable.

Gra yanked the shrubbery to the ground, its roots pulling clumps of dirt out of the elemental as they fell. Disappointed by how little mass the elemental lost, Wayne ordered the Skycats to give the Zeroes air support instead.

"Home in 2… 1…" Wayne announced.

Home Row.

Hector bounced the pinball back across the room with his shield.

"Margo, we need to take down the lead naga. Backstab bomb?" Wayne asked.

"I'm in," she replied.

"Ferg, Hector–We'll establish a position for ranged spells and provide cover. On me." Armond cast Ner to buff Margo's agility before peeling off to do his part in the mission.

Running Back.

The football robot flew across the dirt, leaving brown clouds in its wake. Wayne directed it to steer to the left of the Earth Elemental, passing close enough to draw its aggro. Pulling the monster's attention that way gave Margo more of a straight run to the naga.

"Heads up, I'm going to give you a double."

"Now!" Margo called.

Instead of hitting Upsidaisy and Wink-Wing one after another and stopping, Wayne cast the sequence twice. Invisible because of her Hidey Hole spell, Wayne couldn't see Margo's trajectory, but he knew it was an unnatural series of jumping steps.

The first Wink-Wing had barely started pushing Margo forward when Wayne cast Upsidaisy again, making her seem to bounce in midair before being thrown forward again.

They had never discussed this variation before, but the nagas were on a hill. The rogue needed the height, so it had to be done.

Margo currently had the max buff possible from Morale, the growing buff of the still-in-play pinball, the agility boost of Ner, her base Backstab bonus, and an additional buff on top of that from using the Daggers of the Chosen Rogue.

The first naga liquified from the volume of damage. Though she was no longer invisible, Margo launched at a second naga in a blur of fury. Lacking the Backstab bonus, this one didn't explode, but Margo's rapid strikes shredded it into pieces just as easily.

Margo cast Darkest Hour to plunge the immediate area around her into darkness. The remaining naga dispelled it a moment later, but Margo was already out of range behind the nearest hill.

Wayne locked the naga into a game of Chicken and rapid-Blitzed down the tunnel of light. She flinched, and before she understood that she was under the effects of a massive debuff to her strength and agility, Wayne cut her in half.

The earth elemental came apart, its gigantic body crumbling into a lifeless mound.

A moment later, the last bufo fell to Hector's sword, and the chamber was finally still.

Wayne flipped to his system to see if he had any new unlocks–he knew he didn't, but he liked to check, anyway. He went still. Flag Girl was usable again.

Home Row.

New reds blinked to life on his HUD. Killer kiddy krakens burst from the dirt, spaced like cookie dough on a baking tray, filling the room with slapping, writhing tentacles.

In the middle of the room, a stretch of dirt bubbled and rose. The long monster shook to clear itself of the dirt, revealing a crayfish with a turquoise-colored back, vibrant red legs, and two big eyes that jutted out above and ahead of the rest of its body. Wayne approximated that the crayfish was about the size of an elephant.

That was odd. Instead of claws, it had two club-like arms and pulled them close to its chest.

Flag Girl.

Wayne read the boss's name on his HUD and swallowed. That wasn't a crayfish. Its health bar read, "mega mantis shrimp."

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